Sunday, January 9, 2011

On to New Things!

Fresh starts are always encouraging!

I have left my job as a two-year old lead teacher, and am pursuing an endorsement and substitute teaching.

I am excited for this change!

In other news, I am looking to be more positive, because feel I have been weighed down the last year and a half by feeling I have not achieved my goal of a classroom teacher. This change will help me further pursue my goal with all my heart.

I am also seeking to again let Christ define me instead of others. You can never count on people to lift you up, or say good things to you, or even say good things about you. Yet, who I am in the eyes of God should be all the definition I need.

I hope your new year goes well and all your hopes for this year are set forth and attained! Happy 2011!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Holding On

Some months or weeks I catch myself.

I suppose I would call it holding on and holding off.

If you've ever experienced losing someone close to you, perhaps you do this yourself, I don't really know.

It's like, I'm so afraid of losing someone close to me, that I hold them off, but yet attempt to hold onto them. I make sure I keep emotional distance from them, but keep them as close to me as possible, and, in the meantime, worry like heck about them.

There's really no balance possible. I've been thinking a lot about death lately and the meaning of life. The line of my thinking often goes, what's the point of living if we're all going to die anyways? I know it's morose and negative. There's a book in the Bible about how everything is meaningless. That's how I've been feeling lately in regards to most things.

I'm sure a lot of it is due to not having my mom around for yet another Christmas season. Maybe it's something to do with turning 25 and wondering if my life is about lived up. Maybe it's just worry that I WILL lose someone close to me....

because, sometimes that's how life turns out.

It's hard to find a place of peace and rest from all of these questions. I've tried church, but, that even sometimes feels meaningless too. Obviously you can go to church your whole life, but you still will die. Once recently I sat in church and just wrote all my questions leading to what is the meaning of life if only to die?

I guess sometimes I don't want to hear about miracles when sometimes a miracle is all you need and all you don't get. I don't want someone telling me how God got them through this season or that without admitting the amount of pain and suffering and weariness that comes with loss or heartache. That, the pain sometimes outshines the hope. Sometimes all I want is an answer to why? and it's all I never get.

The questions go and come with different waves of my life, they will never leave me until I leave this earth. It doesn't mean I'm sad or depressed. It just means that sometimes the questions roar back into my ears and I have a hard time figuring out what to do about it.

Sometimes I ignore it. Sometimes I fight it. Sometimes I get lost in it.

Perhaps it's the acknowledgment that I am not the only one to feel pain over my mom's death, but that others suffer greatly in regards to her absence. Perhaps it's this burden of pain which leads to hold off and hold on. I know.

I know I don't have to carry this burden. But it's hard to set it down. I almost feel like it's my job to always be stubborn about this. To always ask why. To always feel the waves of pain as thought they are fresh.

I mean, come on. So many people are going to go visit their moms this season. So many young mothers or wives can call up their moms for advice.

I must admit, I do get to call up my Dad. And he's been great.

But perhaps even he would admit, the hardness of missing someone held dear.

Sometimes it's a burden. Just the missing part. The I wish I could see you part. The memory of our last conversation part.

I suppose it's simply just another desert. And like most deserts, there is always hope, even in the darkness.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Need a pick-up?

Sadly and Gladly tomorrow our Puma is losing his manhood and his front claws. All he knows is that I haven't let him have any food since five ) : Poor guy.

However, the Hubby is the one who will be taking him to the vet, I'm the one who will be picking him up! I have always thought that picking up in regards to most things is better than dropping off.

Like, we picked up a desk! Which was really exciting. We picked up some paintings. We picked up some donuts. See what I mean?!?!?!?!?! Picking up is GREAT!

Hubby did get a new job and is enjoying it. He has to work 5pm-5am three nights out of the week. But the work and pay are better so we can't complain too much! ( :

Slowly but surely we have been adding things to decorate our house and make it feel more our own. Paintings, curtains, and fall decorations still help with that.

I must admit my excitement to decorate for Christmas because this will be our first Christmas as married people. There's something so special about that. Building the beginnings of a life together sometimes seems completely overwhelming and other times it seems completely awesome. Just depends on the week or day. ( :

That's about all for now! Happy fall y'all!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

After all this.

My husband and I have, of late, been talking about life. Not life in general. But life. Being alive.

We were talking about how, millions of people have lived and died before us and millions of people will live and die after us. It's overwhelming to imagine this, to even begin to picture it.

Yet. As we have been talking about this, I can't help be excited. Excited about heaven. About the hope that comes after life. After an imperfect and sometimes painful existence.

My family fully without a doubt believes in heaven. In the afterlife that Christ promised and preached. I've heard Pastor Bill Yonker speak to this several times. He used to say to the people he preached too, "And when I get to heaven, you better be one of those people in line to hug me". Just a few weeks ago I sung "We Will Dance" a song about the celebration in heaven. A song we played at my mother's funeral. A song that can make you feel like you've touched a small piece of heaven.

It means many things to different people. This afterlife or heaven thing. Some people believe in Hell and Heaven. Some people believe in nothing. Some people choose to believe reincarnation. There are many different ideas about it all.

I believe because of my dad's testimony. I believe because of my mom. Because she knew it was OK to let go of life. I believe because of my own spiritual experiences. I believe because of the way my heart feels when I think about it. The way my soul stretches to reach something so deep and so far. Something where I don't have to doubt or be afraid. Where I don't have to wait for all the stars to line up because the stars are already there. I know life is so beautiful and this place and this world. But I hope, oh I so much hope, that everyone who knows me will know. They will know. I am content. With Christ. With my family. With Love. This life is but a step in the journey. A dot in the time of eternity. It is easy to Hope.

It is easy to Hope and look forward. To know. Life has much to offer and so does death. So does what comes next. I hope that at some point, everyone can feel that. That freedom.

Sing a song of Celebration. Lift up a Shout of joy.
We will dance on the streets that are golden.
We will dance.
The Glorious Bride and the Great Son of Man.
We will dance.

I hope you will be there. In my line. To give me a hug. To say. Hello. Welcome. Or if I get there first, expect me to be in that line.

Peace be with you.

Monday, September 6, 2010


No. This number is not about five-dollar foot longs. Or the number of years since Hurricane Katrina (although technically it is).

It's been five years since my mother died.

That is a strange fact for me. It does seem like enough has happened to make it feel like five years. Yet it's odd to think I've been swinging by without her for that long.

Everyone has that person in their life, married or unmarried, who they can't imagine living without. A mother for many girls happens to be one of them.

I don't have much else to say on the topic. But it seems I should at least comment on the fact. I don't look back so much anymore and think, if only she'd been there. I don't look forward so much anymore and say, I wish she was here. These things don't change the fact that I will always miss her at different times in my life and I honestly almost every September have this overwhelming sinking feeling that I'm not enough. Until I remember, again, that nothing I could have done would have ever changed anything.

I've been living my life as normal. It's nice to recognize and acknowledge the feelings and set them apart and especially for her and this time. hm. Life is still a journey. And perhaps it's this experience of losing someone so important to me, which makes me fight all that much harder for myself. I don't feel as alone as I used to, others have filled the gaps.

"It's the circle of life and it moves us all"

Whether we like it or not. Life, death, birth, hurt, love, laughter, tears, joy, aches, pains, blessings, and everything happen. It's hard to grieve and know that I'm OK. It's strange to know I can grieve and it doesn't have to mean the world is ending. Grief used to be my whole world.

But now it's a piece of my world. A piece I can take out, look at, cry over, and put back in the box. It's part of my life picture, if you will. But my picture is also filled with amazing things. Beautiful things. So if one piece is a little dark and gloomy, I think I'll be alright.

Five. It's the number of years that have passed since I last talked to my Mom. Crazy.

I still remember everything. Down to the smallest details.


Saturday, August 21, 2010


It's been a while since I've last splashed words on this page like so many sprinkles on a cupcake.

On Tuesday I again start University classes, this time with a very clear goal in mind. I'm working on my Early Childhood endorsement so that according to the State of Iowa I can teach little ones and teach professionally!

It's hard to believe I've been married a little over 3 months now! And if you are wondering, yes I still love it and no, I'm not pregnant. Whew. There it's out. Sometimes the ladies at work joke about me being pregnant soon and then tell me stories of their pregnancies........ not very motivating to get me to start the process. As of now, I am avoiding the stork until my endorsement is completed. Should be within the next year.

Life marches on. Hoping and praying for new job opportunities for Hubby. This opportunity is the kind he had in mind when he went back to school and he's ready for something like this to keep him enjoying complicated things like programming and fixing machines.

Our puma kitty is growing and happy. It's fun to come home to something so cute and furry. If I had more time to write, I could perhaps sprinkle thousands of words on this page. But I am content. After a few hard years, I am content with my life. It's not easy, but it's the good kind of hard work. The kind of hard work that has a good and special feeling to it. A marriage may not be something big, but ours is. It's big. And together we are better. Cheesy. True and truly cheesy.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Almost Speechless

It's hard to know where to begin to write this blog. Mostly because it's difficult to put everything into words. I have felt this way before, but then it was due to pain instead of happiness.

Everyone loves a good love story....including myself.

The richness of love and relationship touches something deep in each of us. Strikes a chord that somehow each of us have.

I suppose I'd like to just begin to put into words our love story. Yet, it doesn't have words.

It's a feeling and it's an action. It's laughter and sorrow. It's weariness and energy. It's taking care of someone else and being taken care of.

Now I watch romantic movies or read books with a romance in them and can only think of us together.

I was looking at pictures from our wedding the other day and in pictures where I was by myself, all I could see were some of my flaws. But then, there was a picture with both of us, and all I could feel was love. My flaws were no longer important because the picture was us together.

That's how it should be. Us together.

If you were to ask me if our relationship is perfect, I'd say, of course not, but, just like the picture, when we work through it together, those flaws and imperfections fade. Leaving the influence not on the imperfections, but on our togetherness and love.

I have some single friends and feel so blessed to have what I do. I do not write this to discourage or brag, but mostly to say God is good. To say, life is hard, sometimes it sucks, but perseverance, courage, and bravery can pull one out on the other side and perhaps land into the joys of love. It's not easy to get through the hard stuff in life and come out on the other side, but it's possible. And I feel so victorious having pulled through so much. I'd take one day of us together, even if that's all I got. And I think my understanding of love grows deeper every day.