Ghosts

I thought I had lain you aside.
You were boxed in, put away, and out of my mind.
I set sail on a new course and new life.
Now I'm stuck in the past
And I can't get past.
The memories I most want to forget
Are those I have been delving into.
I hate them.
I hate how I remember you last.
I hate how you died.
You know I wasn't ready for you to go?
Now I am regretting time spent at school instead of
Your deathbed.
I again am feeling so angry that you left.
I feel like I need you now.
And you're just not here.
The hurt inside is causing me desperate for someone to blame.
There's no one.
It just hurts.
I know I'm being pruned.
That this go-round of sorrow and bitterness is a road I have to walk.
I don't like it.
It's hard to grow up.
It's even harder when you aren't here.
I know it wasn't your fault.
But I still hate that you're gone.
I'm not trying to make up excuses for my misdeeds and
Wrong actions.
Only writing in words the pain in my heart.
My Comforter will hold me tight.
He sees.
He knows.
I am a sheep in my Shepard's arms.
Hoping for warmth in the cold.
He is a candle in the darkness.
I live on because He has given me life.
I will try and move on.
From here.
I will acknowledge that I miss you.
But I will not stay here.
The past is the past.
I want to leave it behind.
I cannot change it.
So I must lay it aside.
I will do the best I can.
To honor your memory.
But I refuse to let this bitterness.
Hold onto me.
Set me free.
Let me live as I am meant to be.
And I will let you rest in peace.
Remembering you for how you would want me to.

IMpact.

There are some people you meet and they pass by unnoticed by you. Then there are others. You see them, meet them, and you pause. It is in that brief pause that a friendship can be formed and a relationship established.

I can pinpoint a few times in my life when I met someone, paused, and was impacted by their friendship and personality. They touched my life and because they did, my life is different. Impacted.

I remember when one person I passed by and met hugged me. I thought she was very strange for just...hugging me when I barely knew her. It turned out to be that she is one of those people. An Impact.

There are other people too. My freshmen awkward year of college my neighbor asked me for some help on some homework. I paused. We talked. And we are both now Impacted by each other and still fast friends.

It's funny how things like that work.

This year I have met my Impact. My teacher. She is the one I have been student teaching with. I'll admit, this student teaching thing has turned out to be much tougher than I first thought it would be.

Yet I would do it all again to meet and pause and not let her friendship and care pass me by. No one has loved me in such a motherly, yet unassuming way since my mom died. It's very very strange to feel the warmth of a mother's love again. She herself raised three kids. And she has come to seeing me as her own. I can tell. I feel I have been adopted. Without even knowing that I needed to be or wanted to be, there is a warmth inside of me that comes when she says, "I want you to be the best teacher you can be." It's such a undeserved sort of love. Unconditional. It humbles me because I did not ask for or expect for her to love me. She even told me one day that she worries about me. I cried really hard that day because, it's such a mom thing to say! It makes me think about what my mom would say to me. I'm not used to feeling entitled for people to worry about me. And no one worries more than a mother.

The surprising thing for me is that I don't feel like she's trying to be my mother. She's not. She's just....loving me.

How undeserving I am for this mentor, this friend, and this older woman to love and care for me. Her Impact on my life, I know, will echo through the rest of my days. I would have missed this time. This being loved time. And this growing up time. I think, for some reason, I needed to be reminded of this unconditional love. Not only because I need it, but because we all need it. We all need that person in our lives that says, "I love you, I will always love you, no matter what". Whether that be a friend, spouse, father, brother, sister, mother, God. We need to hear it and believe it. The kids I will teach will also need this love. What an Impact a teacher has. It is very profound. I am still trying to understand.

Mirror to My Sin

OK so I was totally going to write this tomorrow, but words keep flowing into my head and I wanted to get it out.

A friend mentioned to me a couple days ago how marriage and being married and having a spouse can be like a mirror to your sin. You mess up. They get hurt. You see the consequences blatantly in how your relationship is affected. I never thought about this until today.

You see, when I am student teaching, there is ALWAYS another adult in the room, and if they are not in the room, they have the right to walk in ANYTIME. In other words, if I make a mistake, this other person knows it. And calls me out on it. Because they want me to be the best teacher I can be.

Yet. It is NOT easy. It's not easy feeling like every time you do or say something wrong, that other person is going to know about it. And most likely say something about it.

The worst has been unintentionally hurting that other person with careless words. And having that other person have to pull me aside and talk to me about it. I don't mind that they pulled me aside or talked to me about it, what is hard is seeing how my sin affects them. How it affects my relationship to them.

I can't help but think that marriage is like that. If you come home to that person every night and are with them a lot and they know you well, then they are going to know you in your most sinful moments. They are going to be hurt by you. They might cry because you say something in a careless moment that completely hurt them. And you didn't even mean to hurt them. I've also heard it said that those we hurt most are those closest to us.

Perhaps this is preparation. It's practice of how to see someone every day and learn to accept their correction and their advice. As well as learning how much my words can affect someone else in ways I didn't even intend. I know I'm learning this the hard way. Think before you speak in all situations. If you need time. Take that time and go back to it. Think about how it might affect others.

If it's already said, apologize once, no excuses, and pray that your relationship might be healed. And learn.

Yup. Mirrors are not always fun things to have around, but they do make me grateful for the grace that I am daily given.

Seasons of Grief.

Every time I have to move on from something, I always feel sad. Sometimes it's hard for me to figure out why.

Today I feel sad.

I am student teaching. It's been tough. And I feel like it's making me grow up job-wise a lot.

I am also scared and nervous to graduate. Not the usual reasons, I'm not scared of looking for a job, I'm not worried about the "real world".

This has been one of the toughest college transitions. In the back of my mind, part of me knows that graduating college is taking another step away from the girl my mom knew me as. It's one more step I have to take without her.

I can't explain how that feels.

It only feels like a weight. Like a missing spot. It feels empty. And sometimes lonely. It sometimes feels strange. Sometimes I feel guilty for moving on because I don't want anyone to think that I'm forgetting her. I just....don't want to "grow up" without her to stand by the sidelines and cheer me on.

I know, believe me, I know that a lot of these thoughts are....thoughts that I need to express and then lay aside. They are not things to hold onto or think over. Just things to feel, experience, and move on from.

It seems that this is another season of grief come at a strange time in my life. Perhaps in living with my aunt who still has her parents, I am seeing even more sharply how a parent-child relationship can grow and mature into something profoundly beautiful. Perhaps part of me is just now realizing this and grieving the fact that I won't have that with my mom. It's strange how your heart can always find something more to grieve. It's never a finished process.

Psalm 23 is one of my favorite passages to read when I feel this grief coming on. I often want comfort during these seasons that no other person can really give me and so I must seek my comfort in His word. in His arms. John 10 is another favorite. I like being called a sheep. It means I don't have to have everything figured out and that I have a Shepard who isn't going to leave me alone in my sorrow nor judge me for that sorrow.

It's funny because in this season of grief, I have also had moments of complete joy. I love that I can feel sorrow, and yet also rejoice. In grieving, I find the simplicity of joy. I once read something about how grief deepens the soul. It makes us more open to sorrow, but also much more open to joy than we were before.

I didn't think I would go through so much emotionally here as I have been going through lately. Yet I know that this is again a deepening of my character and I can't help but feel I will be forever changed through my time here. Despite the toughness of everything, I am encouraged when I think that this season will one day pass and I will look back and praise God for how He grew and changed me through it.

The C word.

It's funny how your life can be touched by something and yet, you forget to think of how many other people's lives are affected by the same thing.

Tonight my aunt and I watched a movie on the Lifetime channel about a man who found a successful drug for treating breast cancer, a drug which has saved many lives. As I watched, I was reminded of the many families, children, parents, sisters, brothers, etc. have been affected by cancer.

Sometimes, it seems strange that my mom died of lung cancer. I don't think about it as much as I used to. I mean, I wasn't there when she came home from the chemo. I wasn't there when she was getting sicker and sicker. I wasn't the one who had to take care of her. Sometimes, it's easy for me to forget how she died. I was at school. she TOLD me to stay at school. She didn't want me to quit school, not even for her. Not even when she might have suspected the limited amount of time she had left. She asked me to stay in school. So I did.

I went to Relay for Life the year she died. During the victory lap, when all those people who have beaten cancer get to walk around, I cried. Why. Why couldn't my mom have been one of them? I went the year after that. And the year after that. Even though my mom didn't beat cancer, I don't want to forget, I don't want to forget those many other people who have. I want to be joyful for their families and for the time they were given back.

Sometimes when I think about cancer, I think of it as a death sentence. It was such for my mom. I always am skeptical of people who give money to fighting for "the cure" and for giving money to breast cancer research. To me, it's unbeatable. I don't understand their fight.

Yet. People have beaten cancer. They have become cancer free. They have been able to live after cancer. Sometimes, this makes me confused. Why are some condemned to die? What is it that causes some to live and some to die? All life is a chance. Every day there is a chance that we could die. I suppose cancer simply increases that chance. These thoughts add to my confusion.

I called cancer the C word, because it's one of those words that automatically triggers a response in each of us. I know it should comfort me that others have walked a similar road. I know I shouldn't complain too much because death is in fact, a part of life and we will all lose someone we love. I know that even on a hard road, I have been richly and amazingly blessed.

I will never understand in this lifetime. I will never understand why my mom died before I graduated college. I will never understand why she won't be here on my wedding day. Or why she couldn't have been here to see her son graduate high school. I won't ever understand.

The blessing that I have been given is life. I know she would want me to live it fully and richly. She wouldn't want me to stop living just because she couldn't be here. I know that life can be full of joy even while walking roads of sorrow. I hope that as I continue to get older, I will do her well.

If I could send you words:

Miss you. Love you.

End.

Perspective

Before Paul started his new job we talked every night for at least an hour.

That was great!

Then. He got this job. 4-midnight.

And we don't talk as much. It is strange!

Yet. I think I am learning that even in long-distance relationships, it's OK and even healthy to take time away from each other. Not as in. Don't talk at all. But as in. Focus on what you need to do, and we will catch up on the weekend.

To me. It was RElearning the blessing that my relationship is to me, because I could feel myself getting to that point, where I was just trying to rely on him and I Know I was beginning to take him for granted. There comes a point when you feel that change in yourself - and don't like it.

When I don't get a chance to talk to him, I have to fend for myself emotionally and spiritually. I have to be the adult and be my own person and do what I have to do, without any support or encouragement. At first, I complain. I whine to God a little bit. Sit. And move on with life. Eventually I find myself in a place where I am reminded that my relationship is not nor has ever been a need, but is simply a blessing. Then, when I do get the chance to talk to Paul, I can GIVE. I can GIVE encouragement and support to him. I can laugh with him. We can freely talk. Neither feeling drained and both feeling blessed. Those good days make it all worth it.

Those days when I smile just because I hear his voice. The love God continues to grow in me overflows into our relationship. In His strength, I become stronger and so in my strength our relationship becomes firmer. I always used to think it was weak people who entered relationships - because i thought they think they NEED someone all the time, they need someone to depend on (weak) - YET. To have a truly Christ-centered relationship, BOTH sides must be strong in who they are and in God's love. It is a strong person who can fully love someone and yet remain true to themselves. It is a strong person who remembers the most important key word in a relationship - selflessness - and yet remembers God's grace abounds when either their spouse or significant other fails or when they themselves fail. God is our strength. That is what I am relearning. That's the way it has to be. If God is not our strength, we will surely fail each other and be utterly disappointed. With the strength of His truth, mercy, compassion, grace, sacrifice, and love - we can love each other. Without Him. We only love ourselves.

Silence

I wish to be understood and to
speak.

My voice is very hoarse and I can barely talk. I went to school today anyways, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. But it was challenging.

It can be so annoying having something to say and having the words in my mouth and heart and yet there they stay because my throat is in disagreement.

It's also humbling. You realize that without being able to effectively speak, you must depend on others to be patient with you, to help you say what you need to say, and to be willing to put up with really yucky sounds. Yikes.

All in all though. that's how it goes. your body gives out on you and sometimes all the heart in the world will still leave you whispering when you want to yell. hm. ironic.

Paul even called me last night when he was on break. I tried so hard to talk to him, but he couldn't understand. Sad day. Yet, it was enough that he called. And told me he loves me. Even though he couldn't understand me! Sometimes it feels like we are required to understand someone to love them. I am beginning to learn this is false. There are certain things and values and beliefs other people hold and I will not be able to understand. Sometimes that's frustrating, but in a way, it's completely OK. Last time I checked love is not based on completely understanding someone else, but is more about loving someone else even when you don't quite understand them. Perhaps even especially when you don't understand them.

I am glad for that. I think I'd be overwhelmed if I was supposed to understand everything.

Last thoughts:

Today I realized how in-between I am. Those older than me that I have met here still see me as young with many opportunities before me. The kids I teach see me as an older adult. One they must respect and listen too, but, to them, I'm old. I suppose sometimes I feel frustrated because, I just want people to see me as me.

Like- I like to play frisbee. I like to go bike riding. I love roller blading. I love being outside. I really enjoy coffee shops that serve ice cream and hot chocolate. I love coffee shops that are a refuge from the storm. Confluence, amazingly, reminds me of the Lampost in that way. It is a place I can go where I know I will see someone I know. I like that. I really enjoy fast food. I find much joy in hearing stories of how God works in people's lives. I love watching the love that happens between others (NOT just couples). I enjoy walks. I like when people don't take themselves too seriously. I like seeing joy in other people's eyes and seeing the reflection of Christ. I like singing at church. I love to play. Games, Card games, word games, outside games with anyone I know. I hate small talk because I feel like it's just people pretending to care (it's not always, but I feel like that's what I do when I have to make small talk). I love long deep conversations. I have learned life is indeed short and half the plans we have will fall through. No one knows how long they have. No one. I have walked the valley of the shadow of death and seen its cold hands reach through the depths of me and claim my mortality, for in learning that one you love is mortal, you realize that you yourself are also destined to die. life is short.

Some people learn to keep a house early on because of circumstances. Some people learn to be angry and bitter. Others learn to reach out. Some learn to love. Others learn all of these things and some learn none. Sometimes, I just want to make sure that others know that I am not ignorant of long dark lonely nights and that I am not completely naive when it comes to sorrow.

Yet for the joy set before me, I push on and wait for the light of day. This is what I do. And how I react. I am young and I am old. At a strange place. Yet yearning for acceptance. I am thankful that God sees us and accepts us. That His grace overcomes all this confusion about if I should feel young or old. If I should be this or that. Let me be content to remain His child. One in need of His grace, love, and mercy on a day to day basis. I hope to find myself here. I hope I can demonstrate who He is by being who He made me to be. I hope others reach beyond the small talk and ask me about my story. Even if they don't, I hope they come away blessed.

End.

Love and ENcouraged

The love between us is made of fiery passion
A passion that draws us to each other
Even more so our love is made up of a gentle glow
It's warmth is like the sun
Inspiring and life giving.
We wake up to it and
Worship.
It is the gentle glow of a deep
Friendship.
Of knowing
One another.
It's the feeling of meeting each other's eyes
When out with friends
And finding a mutual
Understanding.
It is saying something silly
And laughing together.
It is long conversations about how
God brought us here.
And how He is teaching each of us.
It's the realization that you are
Truly blessed.
The gentle glow is what brings us through this time apart
Our friendship stretches the miles.
And the memories I go back to are
Not those moments filled with desire or
Passion,
But are those soft gentle moments of friendship.
The glow of love.
Which is the foundation.


I was so encouraged last night. I talked with a woman who got married at age 18. She's been married 30 years, and guess what....she's still in love.

She asked me about how Paul and I met. And we talked about getting married young and how people tend to feel about it. She told me. Not to worry.

Here is a woman whose example I wish to follow. To be bold in doing what is right for me.

We talked about how, I wasn't even looking for it, I hadn't asked God for someone in a very long time. I was very content to live sharing love with my friends and family around me. And Paul was in about the same place. Love was given to each of us as a gift.

I felt encouraged and uplifted to speak with someone older than me who not only has a successful marriage, but got married young. It was truly a blessing. A light in the darkness of trying to fight for what I believe to be right for me.

Dream and Marriage

I dreamed.

And in my dream, I saw him again. I had my school bag on and we were at a wedding reception, not ours, someone else's. I dreamed we sat and laughed. I didn't know what to say, I hadn't seen him in so long.

After eating I dreamed that I told him to wait for me and I went to put my school bag away. But I couldn't find where my car was parked and it took many and much wandering about to shed my baggage. All the while I was nervous, would he really wait for me? Was I taking too long to release this burden?

Finally I got rid of my burden. And I went back to where I thought he was waiting. Yet I woke up. I don't know if he was still waiting for me or not. School is between us now. I feel the burden of distance and the questions in my mind. Will he wait for me? I already know the answers.

What a strange dream. I loved the symbolism I sensed in it though.

That was the dream I had about Paul.

To change the subject. Marriage is a beautiful commitment. Yet it's never easy to truly fully one-hundred percent commit to something or someone. I can only say I look forward to it.

I can't think of the ways that marriage will call me to be responsible. I think I will learn even more so how to keep my house up a bit better. I think that I will be responsible for supporting Paul. I will be responsible for confronting him when I feel it's necessary, even if the issue is not between us. I will be responsible for accepting his family as well as somewhat leaving my own, not entirely, but somewhat. I will be responsible for telling him when I need help with something or when I'm having a hard day. I will be responsible for listening to him and caring about him when he has a hard day. Some nights maybe I will be exhausted. Yet still have to do a load of laundry or dishes or make supper. I will be responsible for completing school work in a timely manner so that him and I have time to spend together, building on our relationship.

I can't picture all I will be faced with when it comes to marriage. Yet some part of me, while a little scared, is confident that we will work it out. Trust and communication have thus far been cornerstones of our relationship, causing little drama and a productive manner of working through conflicts and problems. He never hesitates to ask and can sense when I need to talk. Which is def. a blessing. He doesn't force me to explain myself, but stays and waits long enough until it is naturally brought up by me. In the same way, i always ask "what do you mean by that?", especially if I sense anger or frustration.

Although I feel I don't know everything about marriage, I also don't feel that I am totally unaware of what marriage is. I feel I have a realistic view, as realistic as I can without having done it.

It's hard to explain to people sometimes why I know this is right.

Yet it is.

Lesson Plans + Growing Up

The administrative side of me gets so tickled when planning for teaching.

I really like planning my lessons and then teaching them.

It's neat.

To work so hard to plan in detail and then see my students benefiting from that planning. I really do enjoy seeing things come together.

Last week for whole class reading (when you read a book from a collection of stories and focus on a skill or particular thing with reading) the students really did not grasp the vocabulary. When it came time to test, they got all the questions about the story right, but the vocab. aye aye aye.

So this week, and I'm really excited to see, I focused more on the vocabulary. I took more time to plan it in detail. I had students go look through the story to find the words and use the "clues" in the story to define the words. I'm really hoping this helps their vocabulary improve. I'm excited to see if it worked.

Next week I start teaching math. AH. NOT my strongest subject. Math makes me very anxious and trying to do math in front of the kids really makes me extra nervous. YET. in planning my math lessons I have to think through the problems and how to explain them. I think in planning and teaching math, I will overcome my anxiety and become more able to do the math and not worry about it.

In other news: I am having a great time working with my teacher. As I take over more of the classroom, her role changes from teacher of me, to more of an equal. I feel like as I grow, the more able both she and I are able to view me as a fellow professional instead of weird teacher-college studentness. Of course - she's still an amazing teacher and I am still a learning teacher.

I see myself changing too. At first, I really was resisting this whole "grown-up" thing - I REALLY wanted to be grown-up, BUT at the same time, I didn't want the roles and the responsibility that came with it. Now, I like the responsibility. I appreciate that I go to "work" each day and feel that my day was productive. I don't mind sitting down and writing my lesson plans - because I know that the quality of my planning will reflect the quality of my teaching. I like feeling myself toughen up to becoming more responsible and disciplined.

I bet, one could apply this to marriage or a committed relationship as well. - aka - i really want to be married, but perhaps once I get there will realize that there are a lot of responsibilities that go along with it. I will have the choice to face those responsibilities and grow, or give up. Talk about a crossroads!