Whispers.

This page seemed best left untouched.
Until music on a friend's blog left words itching at my fingertips.
There are treasured moments
When the times of sands meet and
The world rights itself for
Just a brief second.
Bringing Hope.
Renewal.
Passion.
And a sense that maybe,
Just maybe,
The scars that once brought us together
And then tore us apart,
Will finally fade into the distance.
And maybe then,
We can go back,
Crawl our way back,
To being a family.
Grief rains its pouring tears down.
Grief brings flood after flood of emotion and
Heartache.
Loss brings confusion, anger, hopelessness
Loneliness.
When four become three,
Three become
Alone.
And then more alone
Before time can bring
Us back.
Before the times of sands meet in a specific spot.
How do you reach healing and wholeness?
How do you recover after losing a part of
Your family Unit.
I would say,
One day at a time.
One painstaking tear after another.
One desperate grasp for understanding
And one ounce of acceptance at a
Time.
There is plenty to miss.
But there is more to live.
The steps continue.
Years out.
The times of sands run and run and run.
Once in a while,
They run into something,
Good.
Whole.
and
Healing.

Stars

When I worked at camp, one of my favorite things to do at night was to stare at the stars. They are beautiful there. Absolutely beautiful. I'd look up at the summer sky to the dots and feel safe, comfort, and awe. There is something about looking up at the stars that is calming to me.

Tonight I felt the same feeling. I don't usually bother to look up too often these days. I live in a city and the stars aren't always bright enough for me to really notice. But as I was driving, the sudden memory of looking up at the stars at camp brought me great peace. And so I looked up. Although it is a crisp and very cold Northern Iowa night (the kind of cold where you walk outside and can hardly breath), the sky was lovely. Clouds and stars combined in a symphony of comfort. Like a warm hot chocolate.

Perhaps it is God's wink to me. A reminder that He's just waiting for me to figure some things out, but that He's around, just like those stars are. I forget to look up and sometimes refuse to look up because it can be scary to think that you are so small and Something can possibly be so big. Especially when that really big thing doesn't always make a lot of sense. Sounds kind of like life.

I like the idea of stars shining on a dark night. I like the idea that there is always some sort of light shining down on us, either the sun or the sun's reflection, or the stars. It makes me think that in the midst of my own life that there is always some sort of light shining down on me. Even on those days when I try very hard to dodge that light. I'd call that light God. But more so I'd call signs of God hope. And that's what I need. I need hope.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews.

I do not write on here often but when I do, the words pour from the depths of my soul and from the chambers of my heart. This is an example. I hope that you take time to look up at the stars tonight. That in the vast darkness, those stars, that light, will remind you to hope.

Love Is ____________________?

Is love tangible?
Is it the brush of a hand on yours?
Or perhaps a whisper in the dark.
Maybe it's a mother's smile.
A father's approval.
Or a brother's hug.
Maybe it's a friends tears.
Or a sister's home cooking.
A child's hand sliding into yours.
Is it something you can touch?
And feel
And embrace?
Perhaps love is spirit.
Not so much something you can touch.
But it IS something you know.
A fact.
Yet, it's nothing anyone can touch.
It's like the connection that
Occurs when you look into someone else's eyes.
Eye contact is an acknowledgment of the soul.
You exist. You hurt. You bleed.
By looking into my eyes
You tell me you see me.
Love is not sex.
Though sex is a part of it.
Love runs deeper than an orgasm
Or kiss.
It's a river that runs through one person
And overflows to another.
Spirit.
It's perhaps the purest motivator of human action.
We all seek it out in one form or another.
From one person or another.
It's not hearts and happiness.
It's not butterflies and rainbows.
Love runs deeper than
Momentary flutters
Initial head over heels flight.
Though.
Those are a part of it.
It ties us together
And it rips us apart.
Love opens our hearts and
Breaks them
In the same breath.
Our souls were made to love.
Yet.
We still can't touch love.
We can't grasp the depth of
Love.
It is a comfort.
That I can't find the boundaries.
The limits of love.
That with love
You can
Hope
Dream
Believe
Grow
Live
And be comforted.

It's not so much being held as holding someone else.
It's not so much being safe as saving someone else.
It's not so much being treasured as treasuring.

I try and grasp the wings of the bird called
Love
Try and trap it and ask it questions
Understand it.
But I always end up throwing it back
Up into the air.
And

Let my own spirit overflow.

Snowed In

Well if you haven't heard about the snow in the Midwest yet, now you have!

Winter storms overtook us this week as the sky dumped a lot of snow on us. Schools were closed, the mall was closed, and cars were stuck.

In any case, this season I am happy to be in town for the Christmas time. There's something about Christmas songs and Christmas feelings and Christmas miracles that make me feel peace and awe.

It's even more relevant when there's snow on the ground and the air is sharp and cold. Scarves and hats and gloves and boots and snow forts abound. I missed all of those things last year. The feeling that winter was ushering in Christmas. Perhaps I should just admit to myself that I will always love the Midwest. The fields and the land and the sky and the snow. Looking out across it all and feeling a sense of belonging. Even though I grew up in the city, I find myself more and more enchanted with the opposite. Where I work is surrounded by fields and I can look out of the window in the morning, as I'm preparing for the children, and watch the sunrise across the flat fields. It may not sound very interesting, but to me it's beautiful.

My heart is content this Christmas season. I feel that footing I lost last year has been slowly regained inch by inch and in my life and my relationship that has been a good thing. It's funny to think about a year ago now, how unsettled, worried, anxious, and overwhelmed I felt. My future, my goals, my relationship, my plans, all seemed uncertain. It's been so nice to be a bit settled in a job I enjoy with kids that bring me smiles everyday. It's also been great to set new goals for myself and to really take steps to work toward career goals I didn't know I really had.

All in all, it's been a difficult year, but not one I regret.

I think I have a lot of hope. A lot of smiles. A lot of joy. Left in me to live out. I hope you do too.

Defining Moments er Thoughts

So Sunday I was driving along, thinking and contemplating, when a thought came to me.

I don't know if anyone else understands or relates to this, but this thought was kind of a defining moment...or thought..if you will. I say this because it is a thought that changed my attitude and my lack of action. Note: Not my lack of CARE but my lack of ACTION.

See. Sometimes I am a loner, a hermit, a fly under the radar kind of person when trouble or weird or hard things come my way. And sometimes, like a deck chair, I fall over in the midst of the wind of anything I don't know right away how to deal with or solve. After falling, I find a good place to burrow and dig deep. Stop.

Lately my position has been burrowed down. With just my eyes poking out to see if it's safe yet.

OK so this would all be well and good, because in all ways I am safe.

BUT I'm also missing out on everything. Absolutely everything that I know I want or need in my life. I miss out on relationships, honest conversations, honest self-prying, and love. Because it's hard to accept love when you are trying to remain....well...safe. Hidden. A hermit.

NOW. I know myself well enough to know, I've done this before. I know this feeling. And yet, I refuse to feel I should have reached this thought, this point sooner. For, I think, often times these types of life defining thoughts come at the moment we are ready to accept them. (Believe me others have told me life defining thoughts they knew would be good for me....but it doesn't mean anything until..well more on that later).

It's time to grow up. It's time to get out of the burrow. It's time to face love. It's time to risk everything. It's time to grow up.

All of a sudden. Those winds which knocked me over seem like mere gentle summer breezes. Breezes that I can move through and within. Suddenly, my attitude is I CAN DO THIS. and I WILL DO THIS. not I just don't know how to do this. Suddenly I let myself own this thought instead of merely hearing it.

I CAN.

Because it's time to grow up.

Thank goodness.

For life defining moments......uh...

thoughts.

The Yuck Factor

I am utterly convinced the room I work in is a

Vomit-Producing-Machine.

Germ-Invested-Work-Environment.

Because-Everyone-Is-Getting-Sick.

It's amazing how you can use all these anti-bacterial things and bleach solutions and sanitizer, and the next day another person who either works there, or is dropped off there, is vomiting.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

I know the spreading of the flu virus is expected. I mean, I'm in a room where fingers tend to wander toward the nose and mouth. Yet, there is a dim, hopeful part of me thinking that maybe, at least one of us will escape. ( I haven't).

In any case. That's been my feeling. Like you could show me in a special camerea that would reveal all the bacteria I'm carrying around and my whole body would light up like a Christmas tree! OK

So maybe I'm paranoid. I wash my hands constantly. I shower. You know. I'm clean. But as another kid goes down with it, and I myself am exposed AGAIN to it, it's hard to believe there aren't at least some microscopic germy thingys on me.

Long Sigh. OK. That's it.

DON'T TOUCH ANYONE!

You may get sick! ha. Good luck this cold and flu season!

Compilation

This week I held my friend's week-old baby girl.

She was very very small!

And then watched a sad movie about grief and death and suicide.

Which made me cry quite a bit.

Sometimes when I get like that, all teary, I feel I've gone back to that college sophomore. That way awkward girl who didn't really want to talk about anything she was going through but felt the gloom and burden of grief and loss daily. (OK, so I'm still pretty awkward). But I don't usually feel doom and gloom.

I suppose more than anything it's simply frustrating. How can a young woman possibly explain that a mother's death still touches the depths of her heart four years later? And how can I possibly explain that it will always touch the depths of my heart? Sometimes I have to remember there is no one to explain anything too.

In any case. These happen to be just random thoughts today. No passionate political happenings are on my mind and no injustices have stirred my attention. Perhaps it's more of a reflection.

As my hopes grow out of tender time and words and lengthy happenings. I am very aware some days that I have chosen my own rough road. A road of twists and turns that I am partially to blame for. It seems reflection is called for before continuing and taking steps. Perhaps there comes a moment in life when one realizes that certain aspects of who you are will always hold stock in how you handle situations, events, and other people. And perhaps this process frees you to become the best parts of you and to try to overcome the worst. Perhaps it takes diving deep into the worst parts of yourself to see a way to overcome your own self.

Yet who knows. For all these words, perhaps they remain unneeded. And ourselves are only left to choose to love or to run. All pieces of ourselves aside. And maybe those pieces are what will fall in place when we finally make that choice.

That's what I'm hoping. Like a puzzle, for all the pieces of myself to be at rest and to fall into place as more and more of my heart decides the shape and frame of the puzzle. The beauty is, that despite our mistakes and consistent errors, we still get the opportunity to shape our lives, our puzzles. Into something we never dared to hope for. Perhaps that's what's important.

Hope.