Four

My mother died 4 years ago today.
I can't believe it has been that long.

It's funny how life continues to push you forward.

In any case,

I miss the person that was so proud of me.
I miss the person I felt I could relate to the most in my family.

I remember the last time I talked with her.

I remember the worry head-aches I constantly had my sophomore year at college because I didn't know when the cancer would win.

I remember the daily phone calls from my dad updating me on the status of things.
I remember getting called on a Thursday with the news that she was in the ICU and could die anytime.

3 seems to be the magic number. It's the number of weeks we knew about the cancer before she died.

It was a crazy, mixed-up time.

My friends put up with my moody grief. With my daily depression. With my lack of care about anything. Despite the fact that I hated life at the time, they still invited me. Constantly invited me.

And as I dug my way through a myriad of emotions, they sought to sit with me, hug me, talk to me. When otherwise I would have been alone.

One of my good friends even wrote a song for me.

"Set me high upon this rock"

OK so it was about Hurricane Katrina as well, but you know, I inspired some of it.

I am at such a different place in my life. No longer in college. Full-time job with the cutest kids I know. In a relationship.

It's strange to think my mom has now missed four years of my life.

I know she wanted to be there for me.

I know she would so be here if it was possible. I know she'd say she was proud and tell me she loves me when I call her and send me postcards.

Sigh.

I'll never have anyone like that in my life again. No one could ever do her job or play her role in my life. That empty spot still sometimes feels like a gaping hole.

There will always be a piece of me that misses her.

Today I honor her by remember those pieces of her that are pieces of me.