You once called him
"The voice of one calling out in the desert"
Where are You?
I feel and see a weariness in my spirit.
I want to save the world and be
That voice.
I see my friends going places unsafe
Tears run down for them
As I fear for them every night.
I know I'm not their Savior
But then again,
Who is?
I'm trying so hard to find You again.
In the midst of this desert and these questions.
To lose faith
Is to lose Hope.
I can't save everyone.
I can't convince anyone.
Yet my spirit and my soul grieves for them.
I want to let this be that and
Be content to let them
Live as they choose.
I pray daily
And yet they would turn
Their backs on those prayers.
For reasons I can't grasp.
Is it so easy?
To run from You?
I am mocked for my faith.
In the background and
Then again on endless pages.
Indirectly.
I am seen as a bigot.
A hypocrite.
Two-faced.
By pointing to Christ,
I am seen as the enemy.
I haven't seen anyone else volunteer to
Hang on a cross lately.
It might be,
Nothing against Christians...
Or.
As long as you don't state your views...
We're OK with you.
Perhaps I am simply perusing the other side of things
For the first time in my life.
And after repeated travels into that side,
I am dying for a taste of authenticity again.
For a small taste of the honey of hope on my lips.
A bit of living for something true and deep and rich.
A belief in a love
That transcends understanding.
Of words that jump off of a page
And cut to the heart.
Living for something more.
You may have your hopelessness.
Your reckless living.
I do not walk away because I am better than you.
I walk away because I admit
I need something to hope in besides myself.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Career Days
In the midst of loving my job, I have taken so far successful steps to update my teaching license to include the little ones.
23 seems to be the magic number. 23 hours. A bit over a semester's worth of classes.
Although I couldn't have imagined wanting to go back to school after student teaching, I can't wait to go back to school for better ideas and more ideas for working with the wee ones.
Their smiles and eagerness to learn have won over my heart and I doubt I'll really desire to go back into anything higher than second grade.
I love my job. I love the people I work with and the parents of the kids are, for the most part, very understanding. It's fun to be considering making this love of mine into a long-term reality.
These kids are so worth it to me. I love when they run into my arms just to say "hi" or when they say "hug!" just to get a little extra love. I love hearing them talk and learn to communicate and watching their little smiles when they come over with a big smile and say, "I shared!". That's a big thing for a two-year old!
Even on a beaten-down Friday, their smiles and laughter bring me happy feelings!
23 seems to be the magic number. 23 hours. A bit over a semester's worth of classes.
Although I couldn't have imagined wanting to go back to school after student teaching, I can't wait to go back to school for better ideas and more ideas for working with the wee ones.
Their smiles and eagerness to learn have won over my heart and I doubt I'll really desire to go back into anything higher than second grade.
I love my job. I love the people I work with and the parents of the kids are, for the most part, very understanding. It's fun to be considering making this love of mine into a long-term reality.
These kids are so worth it to me. I love when they run into my arms just to say "hi" or when they say "hug!" just to get a little extra love. I love hearing them talk and learn to communicate and watching their little smiles when they come over with a big smile and say, "I shared!". That's a big thing for a two-year old!
Even on a beaten-down Friday, their smiles and laughter bring me happy feelings!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Journey pish posh. where's the Destination.
Do you ever breath a big sigh of relief once a long journey has concluded?
I mean, I know people say that the joy and life is in the journey and not the destination. But, seriously, who really believes that? Especially when the journey is painful?
I've been on a long journey of thoughts considering love and relationships and finally the pieces are beginning to come together. It's a very hard journey to describe as it happened mostly in my head.
Although the journey has been painful, we both have become better people because of it. As the steps in the journey continue, I feel the ending of this particular journey drawing near and the sighs of relief i'm breathing are so relaxing.
I know this journey is not over and I still have more steps to take, but it really helps having a sure direction. A goal to walk toward. Hand in hand.
In any case. So much for the journey!
The steps I'm taking will take me to the destination. It's always easier to do life when you have your goals in mind ( :
I mean, I know people say that the joy and life is in the journey and not the destination. But, seriously, who really believes that? Especially when the journey is painful?
I've been on a long journey of thoughts considering love and relationships and finally the pieces are beginning to come together. It's a very hard journey to describe as it happened mostly in my head.
Although the journey has been painful, we both have become better people because of it. As the steps in the journey continue, I feel the ending of this particular journey drawing near and the sighs of relief i'm breathing are so relaxing.
I know this journey is not over and I still have more steps to take, but it really helps having a sure direction. A goal to walk toward. Hand in hand.
In any case. So much for the journey!
The steps I'm taking will take me to the destination. It's always easier to do life when you have your goals in mind ( :
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Jaded
When I was younger, only five years ago, I saw only goodness in the world.
In people. In situations. In general.
Some people can go through so much and stay so positive. They're great at taking the things that come into their life with grace and nonchalance. They are honest about the world, but still insist on believing good. That it exists.
Then there are others who go through so much and retreat inside themselves. They learn to suspect everyone and become fearful of all possible outcomes.
Today I feel like the second person described. It seems wired into me that no matter what, I am going to have to do things on my own. And so sometimes I retreat inside myself, looking for the strength to get me through another day.
I can point to a lot of the sources of the fear. It's held me back from what I know I want. Because the fear that others spoke erased my belief in goodness and made me instead suspicious.
It's good to be aware of all sides of someone or a situation. But if you only suspect bad things, you will only see bad things.
Seeing this change in myself brings sadness. The fact that I can't look at anything or anyone without suspecting the worst of them. I never used to do that. I used to love different people and passions. And art. I used to trust the people close to me. That they would be there and support me no matter what I chose.
The impact fear has had over my life over the last year is shameful. Yet I can't take it back. Not a single piece. I feel like instead of my life being an amazing puzzle that is working out to a sweet picture, it's turning out to be a somehow dark, fuzzy, confusing blob of confusion.
Jaded.
Life is complicated.
This morning I was eating at the local waffle place and sitting next to this older guy at the counter. During the course of me being there, this man paid for the elderly woman's meal at another table. She was just eating by herself and he paid for her. One of the wait staff told him, you know you just made her day right? and he said "she made mine".
There is goodness. In me. In the people I meet. And in the people I love. We all have our bad sides and our bad days, but that simple gesture reminded me that I don't have to be fearful, jaded, or suspicious. By being my quirky self, my true self, and especially my honest self, I can make anyone's day.
In people. In situations. In general.
Some people can go through so much and stay so positive. They're great at taking the things that come into their life with grace and nonchalance. They are honest about the world, but still insist on believing good. That it exists.
Then there are others who go through so much and retreat inside themselves. They learn to suspect everyone and become fearful of all possible outcomes.
Today I feel like the second person described. It seems wired into me that no matter what, I am going to have to do things on my own. And so sometimes I retreat inside myself, looking for the strength to get me through another day.
I can point to a lot of the sources of the fear. It's held me back from what I know I want. Because the fear that others spoke erased my belief in goodness and made me instead suspicious.
It's good to be aware of all sides of someone or a situation. But if you only suspect bad things, you will only see bad things.
Seeing this change in myself brings sadness. The fact that I can't look at anything or anyone without suspecting the worst of them. I never used to do that. I used to love different people and passions. And art. I used to trust the people close to me. That they would be there and support me no matter what I chose.
The impact fear has had over my life over the last year is shameful. Yet I can't take it back. Not a single piece. I feel like instead of my life being an amazing puzzle that is working out to a sweet picture, it's turning out to be a somehow dark, fuzzy, confusing blob of confusion.
Jaded.
Life is complicated.
This morning I was eating at the local waffle place and sitting next to this older guy at the counter. During the course of me being there, this man paid for the elderly woman's meal at another table. She was just eating by herself and he paid for her. One of the wait staff told him, you know you just made her day right? and he said "she made mine".
There is goodness. In me. In the people I meet. And in the people I love. We all have our bad sides and our bad days, but that simple gesture reminded me that I don't have to be fearful, jaded, or suspicious. By being my quirky self, my true self, and especially my honest self, I can make anyone's day.
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