Sunday, November 30, 2008

questions

It's funny how something you look forward to for so long comes and goes before you even remembered to pause and breath.

The longings in my heart speak against what I feel others would want for me and I' m caught in a battle between making sure others are satisfied and making sure I am following my own heart.

I know what I feel. I know what I want.

I have been duly warned.

I suppose there are many questions that come along with commitment. Lately I have been questioning everything but my relationship. This seems backwards or different than what I "should" be doing. By the way - I did see a counselor once and we talked a lot about the words "should" and "want". So often we feel we "should" do certain things, but those things aren't what we "want" to do. Perhaps it is wise to find a balance between the two. The shoulds and the wants.

Most of all, I have spent the last months questioning the church and at the base of that my faith. I questioned God a lot when my mom died. It was very frustrating sometimes. Lung cancer doesn't tend to have an explanation when someone has never smoked or anything.

My mom took the religious route in her life. She was a youth director for a while and had always been active with the church and her faith. I wonder what would have happened if one of her good friends had come out to her. I wonder if she wouldn't have questioned her faith or religion. I wish I could ask her about that. I sat in church today and listened to a sermon about the "word becoming flesh" similar to one of the Bible studies I taught each week at camp. Who is right?

I feel often a God-given peace. I feel a yearning to be "home" and away from the mess of this world. I feel a Presence. Spirit. Yet I haven't journaled or anything. I still pray sometimes. I am not keeping this God updated on my life or constantly interacting with him. I feel this is a wandering time. I think He understands.

In the meantime. I find myself questioning my faith but not my relationship. It's easy to trust someone who is there. Someone who will deal with your shortcomings by looking you in the eye and telling you how it is. Someone who loves you even as they see a full picture of your shortcomings. I don't question that love. Because it speaks to me. I feel it and it surrounds me. This love doesn't fix everything, it doesn't lessen our sinfulness, but it is there. God is supposed to love us with a perfect love. Unmatched by anything. I don't exactly doubt God's love. I doubt the Church's interpretation of this love. I think the church and God get all mixed up. I have interacted with God. I don't believe that it was just my imagination or something I ate. His peace and presence have spoken into my life to help me deal with my mom's death. Yet. He has to be so much more than all those words on the pages of that book. It's like if I tried to write a book about Paul. I could perhaps tell you how he is or what he is like. I can tell you how he makes me feel. Yet you could not "know" Paul until you interacted with him. With his spirit. God is the same.

If you ONLY read all those words but never ask God to BE there, you will only know words and never spirit. If you only go to church and hear what people say about God, and never seek out His spirit outside of that, you only know what they say. (Like you would only know what I said about Paul if you never bothered to meet him.)

I have so many questions.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Inside

Paul is coming! Paul is coming!

I am really excited to see him.

It is a really great blessing to be able to see him. Being able to go home and see him was a really great blessing, but it made talking on the phone all that much harder. Instead of just hearing him laugh, I got to see him laugh. And I was reminded of all the reasons why I love him.

Paul was telling me about this documentary he watched during a film discussion (I LOVE watching strange movies and talking about them! I like thinking about things I normally wouldn't come into contact with). Anyways, in this documentary there was a couple who had been married a really long time when the woman up and died.

Her family went through all the journals she had kept during her married life only to discover she had had an affair! Bad news for all journalers! One downfall of being introverted and containing thoughts and feelings to paper is that sometimes things between two people aren't always expressed and dealt with. It's good for us introverts to have extroverts around us. AKA people who won't let those thoughts and feelings stay on the paper but who will ask and prod us about them. Don't worry extroverted people, we like when others press into our souls hard enough to care about our inner thoughts. Yet, if we retreat, don't feel you are entitled to our souls. Let us show you who we are. And never assume.

Because some of us are rockstar rollerbladers and have hidden talents that may quite surprise you. We show only as much of us as we feel comfortable with. And sometimes we only show as much of ourselves as we think you can handle.

I am glad that I feel Paul can handle seeing a lot of who I am. I often remain unhidden with him.

Anyways, case in point, I don't want to be the person who journals her life away only to have her family and closest friends discover she was living a life they knew nothing about. I am glad for those who also press in to be sure I remain unhidden. (AKA Paul and a few other close friends).

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sorrow

The puddles of rainwater
Flow into the river
The water is made up of salt and sorrow
The river is a steady current.
Our tears fill it up.
Our broken hearts leaking
Out piece by piece.
Slowly we are left to stand
By the side of the river
And beg.
Beg for comfort.
The grief we carry leaks out.
I grieve with you.
Your pain reaches into mine and I am left to again
Add my tears to the never ceasing river.
My pain touches those I know.
And its ripples leave
Frustrated and sometimes angry hearts behind.
Sometimes it still hurts.
And I forget how to deal.
O brothers.
Be patient with us.
O sisters
Be patient with us.
Our pain still echoes in our souls.
We cry it out.
But the wound is never healed.
We are never healed.
Only comforted.
Only surrounded.
Some days the wound is leaking.
Some days it is salved.
We are sometimes not ourselves.
Don't leave us by the side of the river to simply leak out our tears.
Invite us into your arms.
Invite us into your homes.
If we refuse to come in
Stand beside us and cry with us.
Add your sorrow to the river.
We will feel comforted.
To know we are not the only ones to let our
Sorrow drip down one tear after the other.
We won't have to say,
If only you knew.
Our tears fill the river named
Sorrow.
Its flow is never stopped
Our tears will always flow.
We will always flow into the river of sorrow.
We are begging for comfort.
Invite.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Here and Now

It's funny how easily you get used to something.

I remember how hard it was. For me to be here.

Now. It's where I am. NC is in my blood and will forever be a part of my life. It surprises me to think that I will be sad to leave this place.

It has been generous to me. I think of it as the growing up place. The fighting through the desert place. The streams of new life and new things place.

The questions have gone from "how long are you going to be here" to "when are you leaving?" as those who have come to know me a bit know that my time is running out in this place.

The questions bubble up in my own heart. What if I'm not done being in this place? What if I feel the need to come back? What if?

I think back and find myself startled at how I've actually made it. I came out here all on my own without knowing anyone too well and managed to find myself a place here. It took a long time, but I feel comfortable here now. I like that. And it makes me think that the hard stuff was def. worth it. It no longer feels strange and uncomfortable.

I will treasure this time and this place.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Lone

It's sometimes strange how being alone can feel so strange.

Normally I would be preparing for school. Yet we have it off tomorrow. This weird time alone has left me realizing how much purpose my future job will hold for me. I like making preparations. Feeling like there is purpose to my nights when my aunt is working.

I made brownies and relaxed. I think I will play some guitar.

I am reminded of why "it's not good for man to be alone."

The roads of loneliness can be many. Some of my most alone times were spent when living in my own apartment on campus my junior year. It was at that time that I felt unwanted and unacceptable. Certain things fell through because of circumstances and I was left alone with my grief and my thoughts. Sometimes it's a very scary place to be. Those things you were running from suddenly catch up to you. I couldn't run anymore. Those tears that year were many and I often asked the question, "where are You?" "Do You see me here?" Others tried to reach in and I tried very hard to make sure they stayed out. I suppose, sometimes, grief and loss is a very private thing. I wanted to handle it on my own, yet the pain and holes in my heart were so many that it was the best I could do to get through each day. Yet, how do you explain to your friends pain that has no words? And how can they even begin to speak to it? I am thankful that sometimes I was blessed to be able to briefly see through the darkness that hovered and hope. Hope that sometimes sprung from their encouragement as well as their rebuke. I wish I had been older. Wiser at that time. I wish I could have accepted the help they were trying to give. I only knew it hurt. I didn't know how to let anyone soothe it.

I have really come to appreciate the beauty of my aunt's heart. She is one of those people who is just....man....excited about life. She finds joy in things that are so ironic and funny. Even though I know she suffers at the same time. Her zest and passion to seek and embrace joy have come to inspire me. She also is a reacher-inner in my life. Her willingness to talk about my mom and to confront me about how I'm really doing have found me comforted in her tears for others and for me. She is a person who is rooting for me. A very unexpected blessing. I was telling Paul the other day, "sometimes I just think I have to do everything on my own and then I realize I can't and that I'm not supposed to and that that's OK."

I think that has been a really good lesson out here. I'm learning that it's OK to allow others in. It's alright to allow people who care about you to see who you really are, even if it's messy. Most especially, it's OK to ask for help and to say, "i'm just having a really hard time."

These are random thoughts.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Weary + Candles

I am not ready for this weekend to be over. I feel like I could sleep for three more days!
After finally turning in my Teacher Work Sample, I felt a big load come off, but now I still have to push through about another six more weeks in this classroom. It's not that I can't do it, it's that today I feel like I can't do it.

I miss Paul already. The time we had together was like precious gold and each minute dripped away like sand through an hour-glass. We held hands. We went on a walk. We went to church together. We ate out together. We even got each other all grumpy and didn't talk for one meal! All in the brief weekend I was in Cedar Falls. It was like warm sunshine which broke through the mundane. I think that is how relationships are.

You both have mundane lives sometimes and it's hard to really connect with every conversation or even with every touch. Sometimes the conversations grow dull or similar and you find yourselves lost in the day to day stuff that happens. Then, maybe once or twice a month, you have this really great awesome conversation. Suddenly the warmth and the romance, the joy which brought you together is reflected like a million candles lighting up a dark room and that smile which you couldn't get off your face when you first fell in love comes back full-throttle. I think I would live a million mundane moments to have just a few of those flashes of warmth and pure joy.

It's tough now. We are both back to the mundaneness of day to day. We get annoyed at each other and trying to have conversations about planning and weddings becomes once again a hard thing to talk about as so much so far has fallen through. I also am wanting to finish strong out here, leaving little time to think or plan for anything.

It's not enough to say I miss him. Sure, not every moment is going to be amazing, but I think for me, it's more about learning to love and be loved. Letting him gently teach me as I humbly teach him. Letting him point out those things that I don't always like being pointed out and realizing he loves me anyways. And not being afraid to do the same for him.

I know a couple that is going through like a million different transitions right now and that's gotta be so tough. Yet I am pulling for them because sometime soon I might need someone to tell me, "we're pulling for you and Paul".