So Sunday I was driving along, thinking and contemplating, when a thought came to me.
I don't know if anyone else understands or relates to this, but this thought was kind of a defining moment...or thought..if you will. I say this because it is a thought that changed my attitude and my lack of action. Note: Not my lack of CARE but my lack of ACTION.
See. Sometimes I am a loner, a hermit, a fly under the radar kind of person when trouble or weird or hard things come my way. And sometimes, like a deck chair, I fall over in the midst of the wind of anything I don't know right away how to deal with or solve. After falling, I find a good place to burrow and dig deep. Stop.
Lately my position has been burrowed down. With just my eyes poking out to see if it's safe yet.
OK so this would all be well and good, because in all ways I am safe.
BUT I'm also missing out on everything. Absolutely everything that I know I want or need in my life. I miss out on relationships, honest conversations, honest self-prying, and love. Because it's hard to accept love when you are trying to remain....well...safe. Hidden. A hermit.
NOW. I know myself well enough to know, I've done this before. I know this feeling. And yet, I refuse to feel I should have reached this thought, this point sooner. For, I think, often times these types of life defining thoughts come at the moment we are ready to accept them. (Believe me others have told me life defining thoughts they knew would be good for me....but it doesn't mean anything until..well more on that later).
It's time to grow up. It's time to get out of the burrow. It's time to face love. It's time to risk everything. It's time to grow up.
All of a sudden. Those winds which knocked me over seem like mere gentle summer breezes. Breezes that I can move through and within. Suddenly, my attitude is I CAN DO THIS. and I WILL DO THIS. not I just don't know how to do this. Suddenly I let myself own this thought instead of merely hearing it.
I CAN.
Because it's time to grow up.
Thank goodness.
For life defining moments......uh...
thoughts.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The Yuck Factor
I am utterly convinced the room I work in is a
Vomit-Producing-Machine.
Germ-Invested-Work-Environment.
Because-Everyone-Is-Getting-Sick.
It's amazing how you can use all these anti-bacterial things and bleach solutions and sanitizer, and the next day another person who either works there, or is dropped off there, is vomiting.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?
I know the spreading of the flu virus is expected. I mean, I'm in a room where fingers tend to wander toward the nose and mouth. Yet, there is a dim, hopeful part of me thinking that maybe, at least one of us will escape. ( I haven't).
In any case. That's been my feeling. Like you could show me in a special camerea that would reveal all the bacteria I'm carrying around and my whole body would light up like a Christmas tree! OK
So maybe I'm paranoid. I wash my hands constantly. I shower. You know. I'm clean. But as another kid goes down with it, and I myself am exposed AGAIN to it, it's hard to believe there aren't at least some microscopic germy thingys on me.
Long Sigh. OK. That's it.
DON'T TOUCH ANYONE!
You may get sick! ha. Good luck this cold and flu season!
Vomit-Producing-Machine.
Germ-Invested-Work-Environment.
Because-Everyone-Is-Getting-Sick.
It's amazing how you can use all these anti-bacterial things and bleach solutions and sanitizer, and the next day another person who either works there, or is dropped off there, is vomiting.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?
I know the spreading of the flu virus is expected. I mean, I'm in a room where fingers tend to wander toward the nose and mouth. Yet, there is a dim, hopeful part of me thinking that maybe, at least one of us will escape. ( I haven't).
In any case. That's been my feeling. Like you could show me in a special camerea that would reveal all the bacteria I'm carrying around and my whole body would light up like a Christmas tree! OK
So maybe I'm paranoid. I wash my hands constantly. I shower. You know. I'm clean. But as another kid goes down with it, and I myself am exposed AGAIN to it, it's hard to believe there aren't at least some microscopic germy thingys on me.
Long Sigh. OK. That's it.
DON'T TOUCH ANYONE!
You may get sick! ha. Good luck this cold and flu season!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Compilation
This week I held my friend's week-old baby girl.
She was very very small!
And then watched a sad movie about grief and death and suicide.
Which made me cry quite a bit.
Sometimes when I get like that, all teary, I feel I've gone back to that college sophomore. That way awkward girl who didn't really want to talk about anything she was going through but felt the gloom and burden of grief and loss daily. (OK, so I'm still pretty awkward). But I don't usually feel doom and gloom.
I suppose more than anything it's simply frustrating. How can a young woman possibly explain that a mother's death still touches the depths of her heart four years later? And how can I possibly explain that it will always touch the depths of my heart? Sometimes I have to remember there is no one to explain anything too.
In any case. These happen to be just random thoughts today. No passionate political happenings are on my mind and no injustices have stirred my attention. Perhaps it's more of a reflection.
As my hopes grow out of tender time and words and lengthy happenings. I am very aware some days that I have chosen my own rough road. A road of twists and turns that I am partially to blame for. It seems reflection is called for before continuing and taking steps. Perhaps there comes a moment in life when one realizes that certain aspects of who you are will always hold stock in how you handle situations, events, and other people. And perhaps this process frees you to become the best parts of you and to try to overcome the worst. Perhaps it takes diving deep into the worst parts of yourself to see a way to overcome your own self.
Yet who knows. For all these words, perhaps they remain unneeded. And ourselves are only left to choose to love or to run. All pieces of ourselves aside. And maybe those pieces are what will fall in place when we finally make that choice.
That's what I'm hoping. Like a puzzle, for all the pieces of myself to be at rest and to fall into place as more and more of my heart decides the shape and frame of the puzzle. The beauty is, that despite our mistakes and consistent errors, we still get the opportunity to shape our lives, our puzzles. Into something we never dared to hope for. Perhaps that's what's important.
Hope.
She was very very small!
And then watched a sad movie about grief and death and suicide.
Which made me cry quite a bit.
Sometimes when I get like that, all teary, I feel I've gone back to that college sophomore. That way awkward girl who didn't really want to talk about anything she was going through but felt the gloom and burden of grief and loss daily. (OK, so I'm still pretty awkward). But I don't usually feel doom and gloom.
I suppose more than anything it's simply frustrating. How can a young woman possibly explain that a mother's death still touches the depths of her heart four years later? And how can I possibly explain that it will always touch the depths of my heart? Sometimes I have to remember there is no one to explain anything too.
In any case. These happen to be just random thoughts today. No passionate political happenings are on my mind and no injustices have stirred my attention. Perhaps it's more of a reflection.
As my hopes grow out of tender time and words and lengthy happenings. I am very aware some days that I have chosen my own rough road. A road of twists and turns that I am partially to blame for. It seems reflection is called for before continuing and taking steps. Perhaps there comes a moment in life when one realizes that certain aspects of who you are will always hold stock in how you handle situations, events, and other people. And perhaps this process frees you to become the best parts of you and to try to overcome the worst. Perhaps it takes diving deep into the worst parts of yourself to see a way to overcome your own self.
Yet who knows. For all these words, perhaps they remain unneeded. And ourselves are only left to choose to love or to run. All pieces of ourselves aside. And maybe those pieces are what will fall in place when we finally make that choice.
That's what I'm hoping. Like a puzzle, for all the pieces of myself to be at rest and to fall into place as more and more of my heart decides the shape and frame of the puzzle. The beauty is, that despite our mistakes and consistent errors, we still get the opportunity to shape our lives, our puzzles. Into something we never dared to hope for. Perhaps that's what's important.
Hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
