Holding On

Some months or weeks I catch myself.

I suppose I would call it holding on and holding off.

If you've ever experienced losing someone close to you, perhaps you do this yourself, I don't really know.

It's like, I'm so afraid of losing someone close to me, that I hold them off, but yet attempt to hold onto them. I make sure I keep emotional distance from them, but keep them as close to me as possible, and, in the meantime, worry like heck about them.

There's really no balance possible. I've been thinking a lot about death lately and the meaning of life. The line of my thinking often goes, what's the point of living if we're all going to die anyways? I know it's morose and negative. There's a book in the Bible about how everything is meaningless. That's how I've been feeling lately in regards to most things.

I'm sure a lot of it is due to not having my mom around for yet another Christmas season. Maybe it's something to do with turning 25 and wondering if my life is about lived up. Maybe it's just worry that I WILL lose someone close to me....

because, sometimes that's how life turns out.

It's hard to find a place of peace and rest from all of these questions. I've tried church, but, that even sometimes feels meaningless too. Obviously you can go to church your whole life, but you still will die. Once recently I sat in church and just wrote all my questions leading to what is the meaning of life if only to die?

I guess sometimes I don't want to hear about miracles when sometimes a miracle is all you need and all you don't get. I don't want someone telling me how God got them through this season or that without admitting the amount of pain and suffering and weariness that comes with loss or heartache. That, the pain sometimes outshines the hope. Sometimes all I want is an answer to why? and it's all I never get.

The questions go and come with different waves of my life, they will never leave me until I leave this earth. It doesn't mean I'm sad or depressed. It just means that sometimes the questions roar back into my ears and I have a hard time figuring out what to do about it.

Sometimes I ignore it. Sometimes I fight it. Sometimes I get lost in it.

Perhaps it's the acknowledgment that I am not the only one to feel pain over my mom's death, but that others suffer greatly in regards to her absence. Perhaps it's this burden of pain which leads to hold off and hold on. I know.

I know I don't have to carry this burden. But it's hard to set it down. I almost feel like it's my job to always be stubborn about this. To always ask why. To always feel the waves of pain as thought they are fresh.

I mean, come on. So many people are going to go visit their moms this season. So many young mothers or wives can call up their moms for advice.

I must admit, I do get to call up my Dad. And he's been great.

But perhaps even he would admit, the hardness of missing someone held dear.

Sometimes it's a burden. Just the missing part. The I wish I could see you part. The memory of our last conversation part.

I suppose it's simply just another desert. And like most deserts, there is always hope, even in the darkness.

Need a pick-up?

Sadly and Gladly tomorrow our Puma is losing his manhood and his front claws. All he knows is that I haven't let him have any food since five ) : Poor guy.

However, the Hubby is the one who will be taking him to the vet, I'm the one who will be picking him up! I have always thought that picking up in regards to most things is better than dropping off.

Like, we picked up a desk! Which was really exciting. We picked up some paintings. We picked up some donuts. See what I mean?!?!?!?!?! Picking up is GREAT!

Hubby did get a new job and is enjoying it. He has to work 5pm-5am three nights out of the week. But the work and pay are better so we can't complain too much! ( :

Slowly but surely we have been adding things to decorate our house and make it feel more our own. Paintings, curtains, and fall decorations still help with that.

I must admit my excitement to decorate for Christmas because this will be our first Christmas as married people. There's something so special about that. Building the beginnings of a life together sometimes seems completely overwhelming and other times it seems completely awesome. Just depends on the week or day. ( :

That's about all for now! Happy fall y'all!

After all this.

My husband and I have, of late, been talking about life. Not life in general. But life. Being alive.

We were talking about how, millions of people have lived and died before us and millions of people will live and die after us. It's overwhelming to imagine this, to even begin to picture it.

Yet. As we have been talking about this, I can't help be excited. Excited about heaven. About the hope that comes after life. After an imperfect and sometimes painful existence.

My family fully without a doubt believes in heaven. In the afterlife that Christ promised and preached. I've heard Pastor Bill Yonker speak to this several times. He used to say to the people he preached too, "And when I get to heaven, you better be one of those people in line to hug me". Just a few weeks ago I sung "We Will Dance" a song about the celebration in heaven. A song we played at my mother's funeral. A song that can make you feel like you've touched a small piece of heaven.

It means many things to different people. This afterlife or heaven thing. Some people believe in Hell and Heaven. Some people believe in nothing. Some people choose to believe reincarnation. There are many different ideas about it all.

I believe because of my dad's testimony. I believe because of my mom. Because she knew it was OK to let go of life. I believe because of my own spiritual experiences. I believe because of the way my heart feels when I think about it. The way my soul stretches to reach something so deep and so far. Something where I don't have to doubt or be afraid. Where I don't have to wait for all the stars to line up because the stars are already there. I know life is so beautiful and this place and this world. But I hope, oh I so much hope, that everyone who knows me will know. They will know. I am content. With Christ. With my family. With Love. This life is but a step in the journey. A dot in the time of eternity. It is easy to Hope.

It is easy to Hope and look forward. To know. Life has much to offer and so does death. So does what comes next. I hope that at some point, everyone can feel that. That freedom.

Sing a song of Celebration. Lift up a Shout of joy.
We will dance on the streets that are golden.
We will dance.
The Glorious Bride and the Great Son of Man.
We will dance.

I hope you will be there. In my line. To give me a hug. To say. Hello. Welcome. Or if I get there first, expect me to be in that line.

Peace be with you.

Five.

No. This number is not about five-dollar foot longs. Or the number of years since Hurricane Katrina (although technically it is).

It's been five years since my mother died.

That is a strange fact for me. It does seem like enough has happened to make it feel like five years. Yet it's odd to think I've been swinging by without her for that long.

Everyone has that person in their life, married or unmarried, who they can't imagine living without. A mother for many girls happens to be one of them.

I don't have much else to say on the topic. But it seems I should at least comment on the fact. I don't look back so much anymore and think, if only she'd been there. I don't look forward so much anymore and say, I wish she was here. These things don't change the fact that I will always miss her at different times in my life and I honestly almost every September have this overwhelming sinking feeling that I'm not enough. Until I remember, again, that nothing I could have done would have ever changed anything.

I've been living my life as normal. It's nice to recognize and acknowledge the feelings and set them apart and especially for her and this time. hm. Life is still a journey. And perhaps it's this experience of losing someone so important to me, which makes me fight all that much harder for myself. I don't feel as alone as I used to, others have filled the gaps.

"It's the circle of life and it moves us all"

Whether we like it or not. Life, death, birth, hurt, love, laughter, tears, joy, aches, pains, blessings, and everything happen. It's hard to grieve and know that I'm OK. It's strange to know I can grieve and it doesn't have to mean the world is ending. Grief used to be my whole world.

But now it's a piece of my world. A piece I can take out, look at, cry over, and put back in the box. It's part of my life picture, if you will. But my picture is also filled with amazing things. Beautiful things. So if one piece is a little dark and gloomy, I think I'll be alright.

Five. It's the number of years that have passed since I last talked to my Mom. Crazy.

I still remember everything. Down to the smallest details.

Five.

Updated

It's been a while since I've last splashed words on this page like so many sprinkles on a cupcake.

On Tuesday I again start University classes, this time with a very clear goal in mind. I'm working on my Early Childhood endorsement so that according to the State of Iowa I can teach little ones and teach professionally!

It's hard to believe I've been married a little over 3 months now! And if you are wondering, yes I still love it and no, I'm not pregnant. Whew. There it's out. Sometimes the ladies at work joke about me being pregnant soon and then tell me stories of their pregnancies........ not very motivating to get me to start the process. As of now, I am avoiding the stork until my endorsement is completed. Should be within the next year.

Life marches on. Hoping and praying for new job opportunities for Hubby. This opportunity is the kind he had in mind when he went back to school and he's ready for something like this to keep him enjoying complicated things like programming and fixing machines.

Our puma kitty is growing and happy. It's fun to come home to something so cute and furry. If I had more time to write, I could perhaps sprinkle thousands of words on this page. But I am content. After a few hard years, I am content with my life. It's not easy, but it's the good kind of hard work. The kind of hard work that has a good and special feeling to it. A marriage may not be something big, but ours is. It's big. And together we are better. Cheesy. True and truly cheesy.

Almost Speechless

It's hard to know where to begin to write this blog. Mostly because it's difficult to put everything into words. I have felt this way before, but then it was due to pain instead of happiness.

Everyone loves a good love story....including myself.

The richness of love and relationship touches something deep in each of us. Strikes a chord that somehow each of us have.

I suppose I'd like to just begin to put into words our love story. Yet, it doesn't have words.

It's a feeling and it's an action. It's laughter and sorrow. It's weariness and energy. It's taking care of someone else and being taken care of.

Now I watch romantic movies or read books with a romance in them and can only think of us together.

I was looking at pictures from our wedding the other day and in pictures where I was by myself, all I could see were some of my flaws. But then, there was a picture with both of us, and all I could feel was love. My flaws were no longer important because the picture was us together.

That's how it should be. Us together.

If you were to ask me if our relationship is perfect, I'd say, of course not, but, just like the picture, when we work through it together, those flaws and imperfections fade. Leaving the influence not on the imperfections, but on our togetherness and love.

I have some single friends and feel so blessed to have what I do. I do not write this to discourage or brag, but mostly to say God is good. To say, life is hard, sometimes it sucks, but perseverance, courage, and bravery can pull one out on the other side and perhaps land into the joys of love. It's not easy to get through the hard stuff in life and come out on the other side, but it's possible. And I feel so victorious having pulled through so much. I'd take one day of us together, even if that's all I got. And I think my understanding of love grows deeper every day.

Self-Expression

I feel most people are the most emotionally open they ever will be around the age of two. Just think about it.

You see a child in a grocery store throwing a fit and it's pretty annoying. If you have kids maybe you're just glad it's not YOUR kid, and if you don't, your just glad you DON'T have kids. Yet, whatever anyone thinks about it, that kid is EXPRESSING themselves in a loud way! Everyone knows how they feel because it's written on their face, in their tears, and in their yells.

If a child around the age of two is happy to see you, their whole entire face lights up in a way that makes you feel like you're their best friend ever. Their whole body expresses their excitement as they run up to you, arms thrown open for a hug.

A lot of the kids I work with are like this, and sometimes the amount of emotion-expressing going on in a day wears me out. They cry enough for me to feel I have nothing to complain about!

Yet another part of me sees the value. They are so young their emotions come out unedited and completely honest. They haven't learned to mask their fears, hurts, or love for fear of others. They are so dependent that their deepest needs must be made known by this intense emotion-expression. The value is the honesty, the rawness, the "I need you" factor. They're not afraid to squat down and throw a royal fit if their shoe falls off!

As they get older, they'll be able to put their own shoe back on, buy their own groceries, hug their own children, and learn to more successfully express their emotions as older children and adults. This is my hope when dealing with a two-year old's intense fits. That they would not see my disapproval of their loud fits as a discouragement for self-expression, but that they would see instead a way to more successfully and maturely deal with their emotions. I do not want them to feel their tears, hurts, joys, and laughter aren't appropriate, but only that there a million ways to express emotions, and those don't all include rolling around on the floor and screaming.

In writing this, I am merely considering how sometimes we as adults cover over or forget to emotionally-express ourselves. To let our vulnerable, I need you selves be seen by someone else. I need people. I would hate to think I must conquer this life alone. I'm glad I have people that when I see them, my whole face can light up. I'm glad I have people, that are willing to pick me up off the floor once in a while on a bad day. When I think of how those kids view and depend on me, I am humbled to have earned not only their trust, but the trust of their families. It's just a job, but when I see their faces, it seems to turn into love and smiles, and hugs. And lots of high-fives!

Ode to Camp

We were all so young back then,
I picture us in our shorts, our jeans, our ponytails and
Camp dreams.
Some of us so innocent
Yet some of us had already lived a lifetime
At birth.
Although I'm not that much older,
I look back on those times,
Feeling like an adult looking on childhood.
For that time was before I knew,
Before I sought,
And before I questioned.
It's not that I feel Old.
It's just that,
I'm older.
Aren't we all?
Joy, fear, sorrow, passion, and friendship,
All mixed up into fast, hot summers.
The tears mingled with the shouted songs,
The crazy dances and
even crazier skits.
It was a time of innocence for myself,
Mixed in a time of struggle.
In the meantime, up goes the bell tower.
And I remember,
I was there.
We all were.
And even if we will all soon be forgotten,
Our footsteps crossed,
Our lives touched,
And each smile and tear
I witnessed and was given,
Fills my heart.
Although sometimes now
I wonder about God.
I treasure and believe
God mixed our lives together.
Surely we all take different paths,
Some never leaving our God and our faith.
Some wondering miles and miles away.
And always some stuck somewhere in between.
Whatever the path,
I am so thankful.
For our jeans, our shorts, our ponytails,
And Camp Dreams.
I have met a patchwork of people,
Whose paths will always lead
The world to a better place,
Whether or not they've left
the path of faith,
That led us,
To get all mixed up.
It wasn't all a Dream.
Thank you,
For being who you are,
Former and current camp leaders
Counselors
Directors
JCs
Maintenance People
Kitchen Staff
Day Camp Staff
And
Everyone else.
May your lights and passion keep shining,
Whichever path you have chosen.

Can you do all of this?

Wow. We've almost been married an entire month! And let me tell you, it has been a whirlwind, in the span of a month we have:

gotten married
closed and moved into a house
gone on a honeymoon
ruined a truck
lost a wedding ring
gone on a short road trip
had house guests for three days
and now
Hubby is gone off to Canada with my
Brother-in-law, niece and father-in-law

Whew. Just typing that list made me tired!

In any case, it has been a wonderful and very full month!

Shopping with Gift Cards is like Christmas!

Thanks to the generosity of many, Paul and I have been able to purchase many items for, essentially free. Well free to us anyways.

And let me tell you, most times I go to a store and they start ringing stuff up, the anxiety level goes up as the final price tag goes up. It's stressful sometimes to spend money.

Yesterday I went to Kohls, gift cards in hand, and began to pick up some essentials Paul and I needed. Such as tablecloths.

My favorite thing was handing the lady gift card after gift card until the final price was 0. That's right. NO MONEY! It was like Christmas!

Thank you again to all friends and family whose gifts have made our newly married lives just a little bit easier! I promise, I'll get back to working on those thank you notes here soon! Moving and honey mooning threw kind of a wrench into the middle of everything!

Yes. I am Tearing up Again

It seems being married has reduced me to tearing up every time I happen to see or hear about love.

Like. Paul and I were watching the old episode of "The Office" when Jim pops his head in and asks Pam out on a date. And.....we both teared up.

Yes. Did I mention we're married now?!?!?!

A camp friend commented on my blog, said some really great things about marriage, and I teared up.

Because. Well, I'm married and it feels really special to be married! Sometimes I think about being married, because I am married, and my eyes fill with tears! gees louise! Hopefully I'll get used to this whole married thing!

The journey feels like it's only just begun. Which is so great! It's so much better than being engaged or being a couple. It's like wrestling through life together. It's intimidating to take on the world by yourself, yet, it all seems that much more possible when there's two of you.

And. Paul and I had the "what if I got pregnant before planned" talk. haha.

Honestly, his answer was mine too....

"I'd probably freak out for a while, and then settle down and do what needs to be done"

haha. yup. me too hubby. me too.

I'm content to be cheesy and randomly tear up for now. With just the two of us.

Although, a little dog would be nice......

How Would you Like it?

You may have noticed from my last post that marriage has increased the interest factor about my life greatly.

Let me just bring you up to date...

Wedding ring lost in backyard while mowing....

Water coming up from the drain in the basement while bathing...

And a whole lot of exhaustion while moving!

So far if you asked me how I like owning a home or being married, I would say so far it's a lot of work!

Sigh.

This Monday we are off to visit the House on the Rock. Check it out here:

http://www.thehouseontherock.com/HOTR_AttractionMain.htm

It's an odd collection of random things. Apparently it takes 3 hours to see it all! We will def. be taking the camera on this trip!

Hopefully this trip will be a good break in the tediousness moving has created.

My Life just got More Interesting

I have discovered today that my life as of May 8th became suddenly more interesting. Suddenly I feel like my life has become a sitcom.

It could be me trying to drive my husband's old truck to move stuff to have Sears call to deliver the washer and dryer.

It could be that I had to turn right around and head back to the smaller town we've moved too. It could be the smoking engine on the truck as I drive into said town. It could perhaps be the fact that the said truck was still smoking as the sears truck pulled up to deliver said washer and dryer.

It could be the sears truck guy saying "looks like the truck overheated a little bit" Hm. Really? I didn't even notice the SMOKE POURING FROM THE ENGINE!

And now, I am absolutely convinced everyone in this town knows I overheated my husband's truck!

Good thing my husband loves me. Good thing he probably loves me more than his old truck!

Also in sitcom land...Last night I was trying to make homemade pizza for my dear husband. Lo and Behold, we have yet to move spatulas which are very useful for cooking sausage. I did what every wife would've done....I used the thingy for cooking spaghetti to cook sausage. You know that thing you use to stir the noodles around? Luckily, it seems sausage still cooks even without the useful spatula.

Welcome to my new life as "married person". I'm thinking the journey is going to be exciting, wearying, and pretty hilarious!

Fun Fun Fun in the Sun Sun Sun!

Welp, pretty soon the countdown will be over.

Which is awesome!

I'm very much looking forward to the beach! Sand, warm, warm sun! All-inclusive travel plans! Everything!

It's funny, weddings are great, but I think traveling and vacation is better, especially with someone you just married! Woo-Hoo!

I'm excited! And so the life journey continues. With just as many bumps and bruises as before, but perhaps with a little more.....support. Someone to hold my hand or bring me chocolate or give me a back rub when I need it the most. Ah.

I know married life isn't amazing. I suppose I think of it more like getting through life together. Getting through ups and downs and all arounds, as a couple, as a team. I don't expect the fairy tale. I expect the deep truth that the person you marry will love you despite yourself, and you will love that person in the same way. Whether you feel that or not. It's easy to look at someone else and only see their flaws, the person who loves you sees your flaws but loves you anyways. Those flaws you always were labeled or labeled yourself with suddenly don't seem to be so important.

Ah. I'm getting cheesy. Well. the next step is shortly upon me and next time I write here I'll be married! Wow. I'll let you know how I feel about it after that! ( :

Fair

Have you ever had the feeling that life's not fair?

Sometimes that overwhelming feeling makes me want to lie on the floor and pound my fists and kick my feet just like a good old two-year old tantrum.

Wedding events approaching, I couldn't be more excited. Yet only one thing makes my heart want to slow down. To say, wait. We're missing something. Wait, I can't do this.

If you know me, and most people who read this do, you perhaps know I'm talking about my mom. Every girl is supposed to have her mom at her wedding, right?

Ah. Just another season. Another season of grief. Another life event to stop and take note. Take note of her. Her impact and her absence.

Yet, the journey continues, and I have met great people along this journey. I have the family I have now. And couldn't be more thankful.

Bittersweet as always. She'll never see my kids, but perhaps I can show them pieces of her, She won't be at my wedding, but perhaps my smile, will remind others of hers. She won't ever see or stay in my house, but perhaps her picture will make it feel more full.

I am content to grieve. To know in my grief, I remember her, and to know, she wanted me to have the most fulfilling life possible, as any mother would. To know, she'd be so happy for me.

Failures in Relation to Success

Well.

Life has really picked up from average to speedy.

Plans. Houses. Dreams.

Although I am very busy right now, I also feel my future is in the palm of my hand. Together we are going to achieve our goals.

It's funny how some seasons in life everything seems to go the opposite of your way, even if you cause some of that. And other times everything seems to fall into place like a five-piece puzzle. You can see where all the pieces fit before you even start.

We found a house! A perfect house for two people starting out together. We are in the process of working toward finalizing details to acquire the house.

In other news, working with the 2-3 year olds has been, well, a lot of work lately. I love those kids, but sometimes I wish I could pass up the diaper changes and tantrums for kids just a year or so older. Another goal I am working toward.

I feel a year makes such a difference. A year ago I had no confidence about my teaching skills or relationship skills. I had no firm ideas about what I wanted from life. I felt frustrated and powerless. Yet, I know if I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't have the drive to finally get my goals achieved now. Relationship and career goals.

I am back in school to get my Early Childhood Certificate and with 2 classes down, I already feel the pull of knowing I am supposed to teach ages 3-7, because I have knack with those little guys.

I feel life tends to straighten itself out if we give it time. I can't help but also feel God provides maturity as we fail which leads to success. Well. This is all I have time for! ( :

Why I don't Carry a Purse:

The Scene:

Target.

The players:

A friend and I.

The occurrence:

My friend mentions she wants to print off some of her pics at target so I say, OK go ahead.

She prints off the pictures asks the dude if she can pay later and on we shop.

Arrival:

At pizza hut. We have a jolly meal to fill our very empty stomachs. Pepperoni stuffed crust pizza (yum) side note- I've been eating a lot of homemade pizza which is really good but sometimes I still crave the greasy pizza from an establishment.

Toward the end of the meal we are getting ready to pay.

Friend inserts hand into purse. Looks at me with wide eyes. Pulls out the pictures and says "I stole these from target!" AKA she forgot to pay exactly a $1.50 for pictures from target!

Hence.

I don't carry a purse. ( :

Maybe she'll donate a dollar fifty to worthy causes to make up for stealing from target!

I don't usually.

I don't usually comment on sports here.

But today is unique.

How about them Panthers!?!?!?!

Talk about awesome. My heart got flutters watching them hold off Kansas. Watching them sink shots and play some great defense. I don't even feel sorry for the Kansas players.

It's one of those things where you realize sometimes confidence and being "THE" team isn't enough when it comes to facing a tough, stubborn team from Cedar Falls, IA.

Today, I am proud to be a UNI alumni, because they played a great game.

Go Panthers!

New Music

I haven't bought a lot of music lately. But today I used the Birthday money from my fellow staff (thanks much peeps!) and purchased the newest Toby Mac CD entitled "Tonight"

I went to his concert a couple of months ago and the people I worked with seemed to be surprised by just how many lyrics I knew. Yeah. I was pumped the whole time. His concerts and music are full of energy and passion. AKA Awesome! I think it's ironic how Christian music stations will only play a couple of his songs. I think it's even more entertaining when the people that listen to the Christian radio station come to his concerts and are overwhelmed by his true style.

A few people at work hear songs on the radio and think of me! ha. I think that's really great!

Music is a beautiful thing. It's profound and silly. It's deep and yet can be so fun. It can be sexual or it can be innocent and child-like. There is sultry, smooth, fast, slow, contemplative, hyperactive, bitter, love kind of music. It can be anything and other times can be nothing. We can say so much and so little through music. It's like a glance between lovers, so heavy and yet so simple. So well placed and well meaning that we need no further explanation to feel we can understand and relate to the music.

I used to always need an explanation behind art or music. I always thought that if there wasn't a reason or explanation the piece must be meaningless. Yet, humans have such similar general feelings and thoughts. It seems we are made to at least at surface value understand one another. The words and the art. I bring my own meaning to them. Just like I bring meaning to my own life. Although the artwork may not have been made with my own brushstrokes, the artwork becomes a part of my soul as soon as it means something to me. Then, I am a piece of it and it is a piece of me. There comes the meaning.

This is the impact of all art. All music. And all writing. And maybe even all speech.

In any case

Sometimes I think about the younger me and then I remember.

In some ways. I feel so old and yet in other ways I feel so young. So what am I?

Wisdom seems to be a dime a dozen and a lot of times I struggle with what I've been taught is Truth and what really is.

I remember when I read red letters. When I clung to those promises and those seemingly endless words. I don't ever read Scripture anymore except when I go to church and even there, the stories roar up in my mind like the back of my hand and I contemplate. I contemplate the fact that I know and understand these stories from the inside out. And yet, sometimes I am skeptical. I suppose you could say the doubting Thomas. But I'm not so sure if that's even the right explanation anymore.

I always wondered how the real world worked in regards to faith. Like, when you became an adult with a family, a marriage, full-time job, and other adult responsibilities, how does faith factor in? I guess I still am not so sure. Haven't quite figured out the equation or if there even is one. Sometimes those old Bible verses still come back to me, but they seem to me a fleeting memory. Though I still would call myself Christian, I don't so much identify with that same word in the ways I used too.

I know some people have the ability to see endless miracles and signs when tragedy strikes. Yet, I am not so much that person. I used to be really bitter, and let's face it, sometimes still am. I know some people are betrayed by people that were supposed to protect or love them. And I feel their anger is justified and rightly placed. Yet, who am I supposed to be angry at when there is no one to blame? Maybe when I'm old and start expecting people to die, I won't feel so confused about things anymore. Maybe I'll stop asking questions. Maybe it will just be one of those things. Sometimes I wish someone could tell me answers. I still research lung cancer. As though maybe someone can give me some hint. Yet I come up empty-handed.

Although I am older now and it is not so strange to not have someone around, I still sometimes wonder how things would have been different. Don't we all?

In any case this post is a result of some relaxing tai chi and a couple of margaritas with work friends. I can never say the void has been filled, but there are different ways to live, and love. Different things to seek than someone gone. Than answers that may never come. But isn't each new day an answer to my questions? Isn't the answer, life goes on?

I think my questions are only questions. I think the answer is satisfactory for tonight. The truth is that I am old, but also young. I have more to learn, but there are some things I have learned. The truth is, the answers will be in my children's eyes. The answer, has to be, love.

Where the love is found, or expressed, taken, or given, that is where I feel home and that is the answer. Perhaps for each of us.

I hope in my heart of hearts, that it is the answer for all of us.

I hope.

If we MUST. We will NOT.

In today's world,

Sometimes it makes me frustrated feeling like I have to or should apologize for my religious beliefs. For the fact that I do NOT and will NOT accept that any and all behaviors are OK and acceptable.

Our lax culture. Our sex-infused culture. Our devil may care attitude culture. Is one in which I feel overwhelmed by and sometimes saddened by.

Do people really think Jesus will come back and say, wow, you promoted sex and an irresponsible lifestyle to children, but, I know you didn't know any better, it's OK.

I may be one of the few to believe that somehow, someway, we will have to pay for our sins. Unless Christ has redeemed your soul, your life, and your spirit.

Yes. All should be accepted into the church door.

But please. If you already know you disagree with the church's beliefs, stay out of the church's door. We believe what we believe as you do. You may feel good calling Christians hypocrites, but it's no different than attending a Christian church and being surprised when they tell you your lifestyle is sinful. That's the basic theology.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus" Romans 6:23

"While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

The main thread through the Gospel, the Good News, is that though sinners, we have been given salvation, new life, and hope.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come" 2 Cor. 5:17

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

In any case. The church tells everyone they are sinful. The Christian faith is based on our own failures to be perfect and on putting our trust and hope in a God who can make us new. Give us eternal souls. It is up to you what you want to believe. The church will always tell me I am sinful, that my lifestyle is sinful, that some of the choices I make are wrong, but the main factor is, I choose to accept this condemnation because I choose to believe I need grace and love. I need someone who loves me more than all the things I've done wrong and more than all the dark places I've been. I need a savior.

Whether you do or not, is up to you. But please don't judge me for this need and I won't judge you for your lack of need. Leave the Christians to their God for judgment and we'll do the same for you. I believe what I believe. If you fault me for that, it is no skin off my back.

The Plunge

At time goes by I am sitting in the local library with many thoughts mingled in my head.

Earlier today the words were clear in my heart and came through loud and clear but I suppose at the morning waxed and waned they were lost in the mist of worries over my to-do list and plans for next week.

I wish that I could hold a press conference. A gathering of people who could spread the news so I would only have to explain my situation and choices once. I suppose in some ways Tiger Woods is lucky he can do that all at one time, instead of millions of times knowing often the words will come out wrong the more times he has to explain something so difficult.

In my very depth of my soul I have chosen to fully, whole-heartedly, and without a doubt commit to someone. And in the depth of my life, I am working to reflect that. I know the first question in everyone's mind will be, what's the difference between this year and the last? Sometimes I hear him asking me that himself, in those uncertain doubtful looks.

My answer would be timing, circumstances, maturity, and familiarity.

My answer would be, I had to stop seeing myself as a child that needed looked after, and start seeing myself as a capable adult who is meant to do the looking after. A capable adult who can share the weight of life-chores, love-chores, and family-chores. My answer would be, I needed time together, to let ourselves merge more gracefully into the one I wanted us to become instead of being smooshed together and desperately running to remember my own identity. My answer would be, I needed the circumstance of a full-time job to teach me what it means to persevere and work hard and to know I still have enough left over to share with another. My answer would be, I needed the maturity of a woman instead of a girl. I needed to learn that I am not the center of the world and some days I need to set myself aside and acknowledge my actions and words reflect my character and my ability to relate. My answer would be, I needed time to become familiar with who we are together and how we work. I needed to memorize his responses and his looks, I needed to become familiar with a love that won't punk out on me when I punk out on myself. I needed to take the time to know that I could always rely on him to be there for me, even when I wouldn't even bother to be there for myself.

I can't explain anything sometimes. I know I'm not meant too. Life is lived with and without regrets and I feel we all must make the best of things.

And if you were to ask, if I'm sure now,

I would say yes, yes, and yes. Because all of the things I needed, I have times ten. I will have all the things I need the moment I say "I do".

And together we will take the plunge. And day by day we will dive a little deeper into life, hand in hand.

Car Accident on the Avenue

Car Accident on the Avenue

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I've been thinking a lot lately along these lines, death is as close as our next breath. If you have the time to follow the link it's a picture of a totaled car in which some of my family members were traveling. Amazingly, they are both as OK as they can possibly be in the circumstances.

However, death could have come a calling in this situation. I also have been thinking death is probably most difficult for us left behind. We're left with the pain, the heartache, the hole, and without the person that was special to us and loved us. The person who died, well, I suppose maybe once you're dead, that's that.

Ironically or perhaps miraculously these two family members are the same ones who drove me to Des Moines when my mother was in the ICU. It seems somewhat unfair and it's difficult to think that now they are in the ICU. In case you have never visited anyone in the ICU, once you do, you will never forget how heart-breaking it is to see someone you love in such condition. All you want to do is pick them up, wrap them in your arms, and take them away from the machines and the cold sterile room and take them somewhere warm and safe. Take them home.

Dwelling on things such as these is heavy duty. Yet the death-rate is 100%. Eventually.

Sometimes I yearn so much that I could just have my time be up. I still believe in heaven. I still believe I will be held in the arms of God. I still believe I will see my Mom again. This is why I yearn to be there. Sometimes. Especially on days when I am reminded how close death is.

In any case. It's another contemplative day.

We Are the World

I posted this video (ha. yeah still learning how to do that) because I watched it and enjoyed it.


This video also made me think of the fact that all these people are coming together and how much this is probably how they all started out. Singing in Choir or with friends or at church or school.

Their voices are lovely together. It's a meaningful project.

I thought it was cheesy at first. But after watching it, I felt differently. Hopefully if you haven't seen this video by now this is your prime opportunity.

Whispers.

This page seemed best left untouched.
Until music on a friend's blog left words itching at my fingertips.
There are treasured moments
When the times of sands meet and
The world rights itself for
Just a brief second.
Bringing Hope.
Renewal.
Passion.
And a sense that maybe,
Just maybe,
The scars that once brought us together
And then tore us apart,
Will finally fade into the distance.
And maybe then,
We can go back,
Crawl our way back,
To being a family.
Grief rains its pouring tears down.
Grief brings flood after flood of emotion and
Heartache.
Loss brings confusion, anger, hopelessness
Loneliness.
When four become three,
Three become
Alone.
And then more alone
Before time can bring
Us back.
Before the times of sands meet in a specific spot.
How do you reach healing and wholeness?
How do you recover after losing a part of
Your family Unit.
I would say,
One day at a time.
One painstaking tear after another.
One desperate grasp for understanding
And one ounce of acceptance at a
Time.
There is plenty to miss.
But there is more to live.
The steps continue.
Years out.
The times of sands run and run and run.
Once in a while,
They run into something,
Good.
Whole.
and
Healing.

Stars

When I worked at camp, one of my favorite things to do at night was to stare at the stars. They are beautiful there. Absolutely beautiful. I'd look up at the summer sky to the dots and feel safe, comfort, and awe. There is something about looking up at the stars that is calming to me.

Tonight I felt the same feeling. I don't usually bother to look up too often these days. I live in a city and the stars aren't always bright enough for me to really notice. But as I was driving, the sudden memory of looking up at the stars at camp brought me great peace. And so I looked up. Although it is a crisp and very cold Northern Iowa night (the kind of cold where you walk outside and can hardly breath), the sky was lovely. Clouds and stars combined in a symphony of comfort. Like a warm hot chocolate.

Perhaps it is God's wink to me. A reminder that He's just waiting for me to figure some things out, but that He's around, just like those stars are. I forget to look up and sometimes refuse to look up because it can be scary to think that you are so small and Something can possibly be so big. Especially when that really big thing doesn't always make a lot of sense. Sounds kind of like life.

I like the idea of stars shining on a dark night. I like the idea that there is always some sort of light shining down on us, either the sun or the sun's reflection, or the stars. It makes me think that in the midst of my own life that there is always some sort of light shining down on me. Even on those days when I try very hard to dodge that light. I'd call that light God. But more so I'd call signs of God hope. And that's what I need. I need hope.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews.

I do not write on here often but when I do, the words pour from the depths of my soul and from the chambers of my heart. This is an example. I hope that you take time to look up at the stars tonight. That in the vast darkness, those stars, that light, will remind you to hope.