The Plunge

At time goes by I am sitting in the local library with many thoughts mingled in my head.

Earlier today the words were clear in my heart and came through loud and clear but I suppose at the morning waxed and waned they were lost in the mist of worries over my to-do list and plans for next week.

I wish that I could hold a press conference. A gathering of people who could spread the news so I would only have to explain my situation and choices once. I suppose in some ways Tiger Woods is lucky he can do that all at one time, instead of millions of times knowing often the words will come out wrong the more times he has to explain something so difficult.

In my very depth of my soul I have chosen to fully, whole-heartedly, and without a doubt commit to someone. And in the depth of my life, I am working to reflect that. I know the first question in everyone's mind will be, what's the difference between this year and the last? Sometimes I hear him asking me that himself, in those uncertain doubtful looks.

My answer would be timing, circumstances, maturity, and familiarity.

My answer would be, I had to stop seeing myself as a child that needed looked after, and start seeing myself as a capable adult who is meant to do the looking after. A capable adult who can share the weight of life-chores, love-chores, and family-chores. My answer would be, I needed time together, to let ourselves merge more gracefully into the one I wanted us to become instead of being smooshed together and desperately running to remember my own identity. My answer would be, I needed the circumstance of a full-time job to teach me what it means to persevere and work hard and to know I still have enough left over to share with another. My answer would be, I needed the maturity of a woman instead of a girl. I needed to learn that I am not the center of the world and some days I need to set myself aside and acknowledge my actions and words reflect my character and my ability to relate. My answer would be, I needed time to become familiar with who we are together and how we work. I needed to memorize his responses and his looks, I needed to become familiar with a love that won't punk out on me when I punk out on myself. I needed to take the time to know that I could always rely on him to be there for me, even when I wouldn't even bother to be there for myself.

I can't explain anything sometimes. I know I'm not meant too. Life is lived with and without regrets and I feel we all must make the best of things.

And if you were to ask, if I'm sure now,

I would say yes, yes, and yes. Because all of the things I needed, I have times ten. I will have all the things I need the moment I say "I do".

And together we will take the plunge. And day by day we will dive a little deeper into life, hand in hand.