Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Plunge

At time goes by I am sitting in the local library with many thoughts mingled in my head.

Earlier today the words were clear in my heart and came through loud and clear but I suppose at the morning waxed and waned they were lost in the mist of worries over my to-do list and plans for next week.

I wish that I could hold a press conference. A gathering of people who could spread the news so I would only have to explain my situation and choices once. I suppose in some ways Tiger Woods is lucky he can do that all at one time, instead of millions of times knowing often the words will come out wrong the more times he has to explain something so difficult.

In my very depth of my soul I have chosen to fully, whole-heartedly, and without a doubt commit to someone. And in the depth of my life, I am working to reflect that. I know the first question in everyone's mind will be, what's the difference between this year and the last? Sometimes I hear him asking me that himself, in those uncertain doubtful looks.

My answer would be timing, circumstances, maturity, and familiarity.

My answer would be, I had to stop seeing myself as a child that needed looked after, and start seeing myself as a capable adult who is meant to do the looking after. A capable adult who can share the weight of life-chores, love-chores, and family-chores. My answer would be, I needed time together, to let ourselves merge more gracefully into the one I wanted us to become instead of being smooshed together and desperately running to remember my own identity. My answer would be, I needed the circumstance of a full-time job to teach me what it means to persevere and work hard and to know I still have enough left over to share with another. My answer would be, I needed the maturity of a woman instead of a girl. I needed to learn that I am not the center of the world and some days I need to set myself aside and acknowledge my actions and words reflect my character and my ability to relate. My answer would be, I needed time to become familiar with who we are together and how we work. I needed to memorize his responses and his looks, I needed to become familiar with a love that won't punk out on me when I punk out on myself. I needed to take the time to know that I could always rely on him to be there for me, even when I wouldn't even bother to be there for myself.

I can't explain anything sometimes. I know I'm not meant too. Life is lived with and without regrets and I feel we all must make the best of things.

And if you were to ask, if I'm sure now,

I would say yes, yes, and yes. Because all of the things I needed, I have times ten. I will have all the things I need the moment I say "I do".

And together we will take the plunge. And day by day we will dive a little deeper into life, hand in hand.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Car Accident on the Avenue

Car Accident on the Avenue

Posted using ShareThis

I've been thinking a lot lately along these lines, death is as close as our next breath. If you have the time to follow the link it's a picture of a totaled car in which some of my family members were traveling. Amazingly, they are both as OK as they can possibly be in the circumstances.

However, death could have come a calling in this situation. I also have been thinking death is probably most difficult for us left behind. We're left with the pain, the heartache, the hole, and without the person that was special to us and loved us. The person who died, well, I suppose maybe once you're dead, that's that.

Ironically or perhaps miraculously these two family members are the same ones who drove me to Des Moines when my mother was in the ICU. It seems somewhat unfair and it's difficult to think that now they are in the ICU. In case you have never visited anyone in the ICU, once you do, you will never forget how heart-breaking it is to see someone you love in such condition. All you want to do is pick them up, wrap them in your arms, and take them away from the machines and the cold sterile room and take them somewhere warm and safe. Take them home.

Dwelling on things such as these is heavy duty. Yet the death-rate is 100%. Eventually.

Sometimes I yearn so much that I could just have my time be up. I still believe in heaven. I still believe I will be held in the arms of God. I still believe I will see my Mom again. This is why I yearn to be there. Sometimes. Especially on days when I am reminded how close death is.

In any case. It's another contemplative day.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

We Are the World

I posted this video (ha. yeah still learning how to do that) because I watched it and enjoyed it.


This video also made me think of the fact that all these people are coming together and how much this is probably how they all started out. Singing in Choir or with friends or at church or school.

Their voices are lovely together. It's a meaningful project.

I thought it was cheesy at first. But after watching it, I felt differently. Hopefully if you haven't seen this video by now this is your prime opportunity.