Sigh.
Today was a good, full, happy day.
The day consisted of nine small ones. Books about music, including "The Seals On the Bus". CDs full of music from Asia and Africa.
A little bit of a dribble in piano playing so my children could hear what a piano sounds like. We made it a game by starting out with the lowest key and as I moved up the piano toward the highest sounds I would say, "should I go even higher?!" "Yes!" We talked about how hard you must practice to become skilled at an instrument. I am planning on taking my guitar in tomorrow and perhaps a trumpet on Thursday. They all got a chance to play a few notes on the piano. Cute.
At lunch we are just starting family style meals. The kids are learning to serve themselves and pass the bowl on. They did pretty well with the exception of one small child grabbing a sliced pear out of the bowl and eating it with her fingers. ( :
Now I'm listening to a CD full of kiddie songs that my director loaned me. Ha.
As of now, my kids can say good morning in Spanish, milk, count up to ten, and say good-bye. Pretty good for kids that don't even know all their native language words yet!
Sometimes I wish I had more dramatic stories or interesting happenings. But the fact of the matter is, I love my job and every day seems to be a good day. The kids are cute and love to learn. Their little smiles just bring me so much joy.
This job combines my love for little ones and my desire to be behind the scenes. I get direct communication with all the parents every morning and am responsible for knowing their schedules and special requests. Often the children talk about what they do at school with their parents. I am responsible for the organization and administration of my room.
I love this age in many ways. Hence, Loving my job. I am contemplating seriously adding an early childhood certificate to my degree so that I may remain with this age group.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
A Thousand Years
I wonder if everyone reaches a point of weariness.
A point where they see old friends and suddenly feel like they've lived a thousand years since that time. Their viewpoints, their lives, and their hearts have been put through the wringer and they realize that who they were then will never be who they are now. Perhaps it is not so much living a thousand years as much as a loss of innocence.
Some of us lose our innocence very early in life, while others live years and years in blissful ignorance.
Pain, grief, turbulence, and heartache have no favorites and rarely avoid us.
Every new day I start out seeing it as a chasm of endless possibilities and choices. I could go here, there, be with that person, eat this, see them, get offended, watch this show, go home, eat chocolate, eat grapes, not eat....... and everyday I think about the What Ifs of the choices I don't choose.
The last two years of my life have been full of large choices. Some every day little choices don't make that much difference, but it's the big choices that can throw your life off course and send you into a space you didn't know existed and leave you with a loss of innocence. A loss of yourself. A loss of your soul. It's wearisome to think about the big choices I made. If I could edit my book of life, I can name some things I'd change. But I'm already on the next chapter. The best thing to do is to work with where I am now. To make an effort to make the next chapters at least more focused than the last few. I'm finally thinking about my adult life goals.
In any case. When I see old friends in which time has erased knowledge of their hearts and lives and those friendships are composed of no more than old memories, the weight of a thousand lives and all the daily decisions weighs me down. I am growing away from who I was but who am I now?
Perhaps it is only a sadness that comes with that loss of innocence. With that feeling of having lived a thousand years. A simple grief that exists when you come into contact with people you once had so much in common with.
Maybe one day. One day my eternal soul will meet with theirs and all will be revealed and we will be able to look on each other with understanding. The weariness lifted from our hearts and joy in our eyes. I envy the joy they so easily expressed and I once was able to easily express. Sometimes I think I just worry too much.
To old camp friends. Our souls once touched in a beautiful dance and we all were one. I treasure that time for what it was and look back with fondness. My story has gone on without many of you but your faces I won't forget. May our eternal souls meet again and may we all be one.
A point where they see old friends and suddenly feel like they've lived a thousand years since that time. Their viewpoints, their lives, and their hearts have been put through the wringer and they realize that who they were then will never be who they are now. Perhaps it is not so much living a thousand years as much as a loss of innocence.
Some of us lose our innocence very early in life, while others live years and years in blissful ignorance.
Pain, grief, turbulence, and heartache have no favorites and rarely avoid us.
Every new day I start out seeing it as a chasm of endless possibilities and choices. I could go here, there, be with that person, eat this, see them, get offended, watch this show, go home, eat chocolate, eat grapes, not eat....... and everyday I think about the What Ifs of the choices I don't choose.
The last two years of my life have been full of large choices. Some every day little choices don't make that much difference, but it's the big choices that can throw your life off course and send you into a space you didn't know existed and leave you with a loss of innocence. A loss of yourself. A loss of your soul. It's wearisome to think about the big choices I made. If I could edit my book of life, I can name some things I'd change. But I'm already on the next chapter. The best thing to do is to work with where I am now. To make an effort to make the next chapters at least more focused than the last few. I'm finally thinking about my adult life goals.
In any case. When I see old friends in which time has erased knowledge of their hearts and lives and those friendships are composed of no more than old memories, the weight of a thousand lives and all the daily decisions weighs me down. I am growing away from who I was but who am I now?
Perhaps it is only a sadness that comes with that loss of innocence. With that feeling of having lived a thousand years. A simple grief that exists when you come into contact with people you once had so much in common with.
Maybe one day. One day my eternal soul will meet with theirs and all will be revealed and we will be able to look on each other with understanding. The weariness lifted from our hearts and joy in our eyes. I envy the joy they so easily expressed and I once was able to easily express. Sometimes I think I just worry too much.
To old camp friends. Our souls once touched in a beautiful dance and we all were one. I treasure that time for what it was and look back with fondness. My story has gone on without many of you but your faces I won't forget. May our eternal souls meet again and may we all be one.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Awakening
My very favorite part of my day at work happens a bit before I leave.
We put all the little ones down for a nap in the afternoons. No, this is not my favorite part of the day, although it makes for a good lunch break.
My very favorite part of the day is the awakening. It is when the little ones open their sleepy eyes and are refreshed and lovely. I don't know why, but seeing their little faces after a good nap and saying, awe, did you just wake up? "Yup" Can I have a good morning hug? "yup". After which little arms wrap around me and cute sleepy smiles are had.
There is so much joy in this simple time. I am in SUCH a GREAT mood when I leave because I got to see all their little faces come awake and alive. They are lovely little ones. Their little hugs and smiles bring peace and awe to my spirit. These are the untainted ones. The ones who still have to learn that this world can be a hard and unloving place. They trust others to hold their little hands. They trust nothing will happen to them as they lay on their little cots and sleep. I'm beginning to enjoy their little hugs, how they slide into your lap unnoticed, how they assume you have all the love in the world to give them, how they have all the love in the world to give.
I love the awakening! ( :
"Can I have a hug?"
"Yup"
We put all the little ones down for a nap in the afternoons. No, this is not my favorite part of the day, although it makes for a good lunch break.
My very favorite part of the day is the awakening. It is when the little ones open their sleepy eyes and are refreshed and lovely. I don't know why, but seeing their little faces after a good nap and saying, awe, did you just wake up? "Yup" Can I have a good morning hug? "yup". After which little arms wrap around me and cute sleepy smiles are had.
There is so much joy in this simple time. I am in SUCH a GREAT mood when I leave because I got to see all their little faces come awake and alive. They are lovely little ones. Their little hugs and smiles bring peace and awe to my spirit. These are the untainted ones. The ones who still have to learn that this world can be a hard and unloving place. They trust others to hold their little hands. They trust nothing will happen to them as they lay on their little cots and sleep. I'm beginning to enjoy their little hugs, how they slide into your lap unnoticed, how they assume you have all the love in the world to give them, how they have all the love in the world to give.
I love the awakening! ( :
"Can I have a hug?"
"Yup"
Thursday, July 9, 2009
"We Were Happy Here"
This is a quote out of a book I recently read called The Shadow Catcher by Marianne Wiggins.
The theme focuses on the past. It is about a woman who looks at a picture of her parents when she likes to think their thoughts are "we were happy here". It is a picture of them together having a good time, before her father disappeared.
Sometimes I feel this is my theme. Deeper thoughts seem to be planting their roots in me and my more reflective side has finally been reawakened after a long sleep. Today I am thinking of the concept of home.
To some people my age and even older, they still call their parents' house "home". They feel safe there and they feel a comfy loving feel when they go. I think I stopped calling my childhood home "home" after my mother died. I can't explain the feeling in words ever. The only way to touch on this is to say home cannot feel like home when it feels like one-half of your roots are abruptly lost without too much time or explanation. Reading this book was interesting. My mom lived. Oh she lived. And I have pictures of me, my dad, my mom, and my brother standing and smiling and we all seem to say with our smiles "we are happy". I used to look back on these times with the highest devotion. Treating them as sacred times and memories that couldn't ever be topped.
Grief has no time or place. Taking in stock how even today my life has been affected by the absence of a mother as I morph into the adult world sometimes leaves me feeling really alone. We all desire some sort of guidance from someone who loves us unconditionally and treats us as their child. My grief today is different. I do not feel sorry for myself or think my world is over. I merely am observing the empty spaces she left and working to grow up the best I can.
The little ones have had me exhausted all this week. Sometimes chasing down two year olds is tiring.
Quick story:
I was putting them down for a nap earlier this week and this boy who NEVER has trouble falling asleep spent about an hour tossing and turning on his cot. I had sat by him and patted him and rubbed his back and was beginning to get really frustrated that he just wasn't sleeping yet. UGH.
So finally I asked him, What's wrong?!?! What do you need? He said ONE word
"juice"
Sigh. really? so i went and got him a cup of water and he chugged it down and three minutes later was sleeping.
Simple. So simple. Can you even picture all you have to worry about is a cup of water? When i toss and turn at night, it usually involves life worries, what ifs, and what do I do now? They remind me some days that life does not require too many complications. And that I should be grateful for a bed to sleep in, water to drink, food to eat, and people to hug. Because these are the redeeming qualities in a sometimes upside down world. A hug from a friend, a good meal, and a good night's sleep.
Oh dear little ones. Your sometimes innocence is precious.
The theme focuses on the past. It is about a woman who looks at a picture of her parents when she likes to think their thoughts are "we were happy here". It is a picture of them together having a good time, before her father disappeared.
Sometimes I feel this is my theme. Deeper thoughts seem to be planting their roots in me and my more reflective side has finally been reawakened after a long sleep. Today I am thinking of the concept of home.
To some people my age and even older, they still call their parents' house "home". They feel safe there and they feel a comfy loving feel when they go. I think I stopped calling my childhood home "home" after my mother died. I can't explain the feeling in words ever. The only way to touch on this is to say home cannot feel like home when it feels like one-half of your roots are abruptly lost without too much time or explanation. Reading this book was interesting. My mom lived. Oh she lived. And I have pictures of me, my dad, my mom, and my brother standing and smiling and we all seem to say with our smiles "we are happy". I used to look back on these times with the highest devotion. Treating them as sacred times and memories that couldn't ever be topped.
Grief has no time or place. Taking in stock how even today my life has been affected by the absence of a mother as I morph into the adult world sometimes leaves me feeling really alone. We all desire some sort of guidance from someone who loves us unconditionally and treats us as their child. My grief today is different. I do not feel sorry for myself or think my world is over. I merely am observing the empty spaces she left and working to grow up the best I can.
The little ones have had me exhausted all this week. Sometimes chasing down two year olds is tiring.
Quick story:
I was putting them down for a nap earlier this week and this boy who NEVER has trouble falling asleep spent about an hour tossing and turning on his cot. I had sat by him and patted him and rubbed his back and was beginning to get really frustrated that he just wasn't sleeping yet. UGH.
So finally I asked him, What's wrong?!?! What do you need? He said ONE word
"juice"
Sigh. really? so i went and got him a cup of water and he chugged it down and three minutes later was sleeping.
Simple. So simple. Can you even picture all you have to worry about is a cup of water? When i toss and turn at night, it usually involves life worries, what ifs, and what do I do now? They remind me some days that life does not require too many complications. And that I should be grateful for a bed to sleep in, water to drink, food to eat, and people to hug. Because these are the redeeming qualities in a sometimes upside down world. A hug from a friend, a good meal, and a good night's sleep.
Oh dear little ones. Your sometimes innocence is precious.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
(Un)Pregnancy and The Future
In the place I've been working at, I work with three lovely ladies currently experiencing the excitement of carrying a little tiny life inside of them. Sometimes when I am with them, I feel like a little girl who just wants to ask her mommy millions of questions about the growing life. While at the same time, realizing the power I have within my own body and reproductive system to do the same. And I find myself looking down at my belly and marveling at the fact that someday there could be a baby in there. Weird.
I also watched the show 16 & pregnant on MTV yesterday. It was interesting to watch boys just growing into men trying to be men for their pregnant girlfriends. Often, the reality of the responsibility that comes with a child falls on the mother while the father skirts the burdens of the baby. It's weird to watch shows like that and picture who I know I want to be there being there with me, because, before, I couldn't picture that.
Thinking about child-bearing and child-rearing makes me think about my future and what I want. It makes me think about what it means not only to be a woman but also a man. What kind of man does it take to be a good father and husband? I think I know. And I think I know him.
Yet. Intuitively. I still feel a need to grow up just a little bit more first. To stand on my own. To support myself. Intuitively, I know I am still a girl just now learning what it means to be a woman. A woman who will make a good wife and mother. And ALTHOUGH that statement sounds so traditional, intuitively, I see those things being a part of my life.
I am learning and thinking about what it means to be an individual apart from the family of my childhood. I am learning and thinking about what it means to see myself as an adult ALONGSIDE my family instead of UNDER or IN my family. Some of the revelations that come with that are hard and some beautiful. It's like anything, I don't have to be defined by my family's perspective or personal beliefs or viewpoints.
I know I am not financially or relationally ready for a child, but I think these thoughts have forced me to take on a more adult attitude. An attitude of life goals and dreams beyond a career and degree. Getting my degree and graduating was my focus for four and a half years. I guess now it's time for me to grow up. Really grow up. And grow into my own. Into myself.
I can be who I want to be. And each step further into adulthood will encourage my adult identity. I guess what I want to be set free from is
childhood.
Welcome to the world. Welcome to responsibility. Welcome to hard work. We hope you enjoy your stay. Make the most of it. Children may be carefree, but they also are not free. Not free to really decide who they want to be and where they want to go.
I have the power to decide those things. As an adult. It's time I start seeing myself that way.
I know even now that the hardest part about becoming a woman is the lack of my mother. I have been resisting and resisting this transition because she isn't here to be a part of it. Because some days, I don't know who to talk to about what it means to grow up and be a woman. Yet, I can't keep resisting. The longer I see myself as an adolescent, the longer I will be seen as one. So here I go. I will do the best I can.
And an adult I shall be.
I also watched the show 16 & pregnant on MTV yesterday. It was interesting to watch boys just growing into men trying to be men for their pregnant girlfriends. Often, the reality of the responsibility that comes with a child falls on the mother while the father skirts the burdens of the baby. It's weird to watch shows like that and picture who I know I want to be there being there with me, because, before, I couldn't picture that.
Thinking about child-bearing and child-rearing makes me think about my future and what I want. It makes me think about what it means not only to be a woman but also a man. What kind of man does it take to be a good father and husband? I think I know. And I think I know him.
Yet. Intuitively. I still feel a need to grow up just a little bit more first. To stand on my own. To support myself. Intuitively, I know I am still a girl just now learning what it means to be a woman. A woman who will make a good wife and mother. And ALTHOUGH that statement sounds so traditional, intuitively, I see those things being a part of my life.
I am learning and thinking about what it means to be an individual apart from the family of my childhood. I am learning and thinking about what it means to see myself as an adult ALONGSIDE my family instead of UNDER or IN my family. Some of the revelations that come with that are hard and some beautiful. It's like anything, I don't have to be defined by my family's perspective or personal beliefs or viewpoints.
I know I am not financially or relationally ready for a child, but I think these thoughts have forced me to take on a more adult attitude. An attitude of life goals and dreams beyond a career and degree. Getting my degree and graduating was my focus for four and a half years. I guess now it's time for me to grow up. Really grow up. And grow into my own. Into myself.
I can be who I want to be. And each step further into adulthood will encourage my adult identity. I guess what I want to be set free from is
childhood.
Welcome to the world. Welcome to responsibility. Welcome to hard work. We hope you enjoy your stay. Make the most of it. Children may be carefree, but they also are not free. Not free to really decide who they want to be and where they want to go.
I have the power to decide those things. As an adult. It's time I start seeing myself that way.
I know even now that the hardest part about becoming a woman is the lack of my mother. I have been resisting and resisting this transition because she isn't here to be a part of it. Because some days, I don't know who to talk to about what it means to grow up and be a woman. Yet, I can't keep resisting. The longer I see myself as an adolescent, the longer I will be seen as one. So here I go. I will do the best I can.
And an adult I shall be.
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