(Un)Pregnancy and The Future

In the place I've been working at, I work with three lovely ladies currently experiencing the excitement of carrying a little tiny life inside of them. Sometimes when I am with them, I feel like a little girl who just wants to ask her mommy millions of questions about the growing life. While at the same time, realizing the power I have within my own body and reproductive system to do the same. And I find myself looking down at my belly and marveling at the fact that someday there could be a baby in there. Weird.

I also watched the show 16 & pregnant on MTV yesterday. It was interesting to watch boys just growing into men trying to be men for their pregnant girlfriends. Often, the reality of the responsibility that comes with a child falls on the mother while the father skirts the burdens of the baby. It's weird to watch shows like that and picture who I know I want to be there being there with me, because, before, I couldn't picture that.

Thinking about child-bearing and child-rearing makes me think about my future and what I want. It makes me think about what it means not only to be a woman but also a man. What kind of man does it take to be a good father and husband? I think I know. And I think I know him.

Yet. Intuitively. I still feel a need to grow up just a little bit more first. To stand on my own. To support myself. Intuitively, I know I am still a girl just now learning what it means to be a woman. A woman who will make a good wife and mother. And ALTHOUGH that statement sounds so traditional, intuitively, I see those things being a part of my life.

I am learning and thinking about what it means to be an individual apart from the family of my childhood. I am learning and thinking about what it means to see myself as an adult ALONGSIDE my family instead of UNDER or IN my family. Some of the revelations that come with that are hard and some beautiful. It's like anything, I don't have to be defined by my family's perspective or personal beliefs or viewpoints.

I know I am not financially or relationally ready for a child, but I think these thoughts have forced me to take on a more adult attitude. An attitude of life goals and dreams beyond a career and degree. Getting my degree and graduating was my focus for four and a half years. I guess now it's time for me to grow up. Really grow up. And grow into my own. Into myself.

I can be who I want to be. And each step further into adulthood will encourage my adult identity. I guess what I want to be set free from is

childhood.

Welcome to the world. Welcome to responsibility. Welcome to hard work. We hope you enjoy your stay. Make the most of it. Children may be carefree, but they also are not free. Not free to really decide who they want to be and where they want to go.

I have the power to decide those things. As an adult. It's time I start seeing myself that way.

I know even now that the hardest part about becoming a woman is the lack of my mother. I have been resisting and resisting this transition because she isn't here to be a part of it. Because some days, I don't know who to talk to about what it means to grow up and be a woman. Yet, I can't keep resisting. The longer I see myself as an adolescent, the longer I will be seen as one. So here I go. I will do the best I can.

And an adult I shall be.