A Thousand Years

I wonder if everyone reaches a point of weariness.

A point where they see old friends and suddenly feel like they've lived a thousand years since that time. Their viewpoints, their lives, and their hearts have been put through the wringer and they realize that who they were then will never be who they are now. Perhaps it is not so much living a thousand years as much as a loss of innocence.

Some of us lose our innocence very early in life, while others live years and years in blissful ignorance.

Pain, grief, turbulence, and heartache have no favorites and rarely avoid us.

Every new day I start out seeing it as a chasm of endless possibilities and choices. I could go here, there, be with that person, eat this, see them, get offended, watch this show, go home, eat chocolate, eat grapes, not eat....... and everyday I think about the What Ifs of the choices I don't choose.

The last two years of my life have been full of large choices. Some every day little choices don't make that much difference, but it's the big choices that can throw your life off course and send you into a space you didn't know existed and leave you with a loss of innocence. A loss of yourself. A loss of your soul. It's wearisome to think about the big choices I made. If I could edit my book of life, I can name some things I'd change. But I'm already on the next chapter. The best thing to do is to work with where I am now. To make an effort to make the next chapters at least more focused than the last few. I'm finally thinking about my adult life goals.

In any case. When I see old friends in which time has erased knowledge of their hearts and lives and those friendships are composed of no more than old memories, the weight of a thousand lives and all the daily decisions weighs me down. I am growing away from who I was but who am I now?

Perhaps it is only a sadness that comes with that loss of innocence. With that feeling of having lived a thousand years. A simple grief that exists when you come into contact with people you once had so much in common with.

Maybe one day. One day my eternal soul will meet with theirs and all will be revealed and we will be able to look on each other with understanding. The weariness lifted from our hearts and joy in our eyes. I envy the joy they so easily expressed and I once was able to easily express. Sometimes I think I just worry too much.

To old camp friends. Our souls once touched in a beautiful dance and we all were one. I treasure that time for what it was and look back with fondness. My story has gone on without many of you but your faces I won't forget. May our eternal souls meet again and may we all be one.