Anger Dream

I had a really vivid dream last night:

I dreamed I was a student in this class and we were working on maps or something. I went to the bathroom to take a break and came back to find my class had moved. I went looking for my class and found them. I eyed my teacher out of the corner of my eye to see if he'd noticed how long I'd truly been gone. He was oblivious. I sat down in a chair at this table the rest of my class was at. I remember that we were supposed to draw arrows by California, one pointing North and the other South. I had a lot of trouble with these arrows.

I made some comment about something to which my brother replied, Jill you are so dumb.

At this I became extremely upset. I told him I didn't like that he would make fun of me in front of my friends, I was yelling at him at this point. And that it was one thing to make fun of me when no one else was around, but it's another thing to make fun of me in front of all these people and that I didn't appreciate it. I started sobbing. Right at this moment I dreamed my dad was looking into the room and walking toward my brother. I went to the bathroom to cry and calm down. And then I woke up. Still feeling a torment of emotions.

I've been thinking a lot about anger lately. Some of the kids at school only know how to deal with hurt and other problems by flashing immediately to anger. It's hard to believe, they are good kids, when all you see in them is flashing anger.

Perhaps this was me testing out what it would be like to express myself in a similar fashion those kids do, which I sometimes see as very childish. Also, perhaps I should feel that God should intervene and chastise those of His children who abuse the abilities and powers they have through putting others down. Just like when my dad came in the picture, even though most of me knew my dad wasn't going to fix it. Students often think that I as the teacher will fix their conflicts but when I am unable to do so, will turn their anger toward me. Or as I was thinking of a fellow sub who had experienced a great deal of anger from a class. It's interesting.

I talked to a friend yesterday about how anger can turn someone you treasure and love into a scary person. Perhaps I had this dream to better understand why someone I loved could get so angry.

All in all. I just hope this dream doesn't visit me again.

RoAd TrIp

Friday!!!!

Woot!

I am loving on the Friday action!

I am especially excited for this Friday because my SO and I are taking a bit of a road trip down to Kansas City! Awesome!

We're going to hang out with his sister and brother-in-law, and their small child.

road trips= good quality time.

He hasn't had free time since Sunday. Finally finally we'll get some good time together.

All in all, it should be a good time. Just to be somewhere else and spend time with different people. I mean, cabin fever does tend to set in, job or no job.

Happy Weekend.

Love

Are not we in constant change?
Indeed.
I find me changing
And you changing
And US changing.
I remember days would I would have been content to just...
Look at you.
Or hold your hand.
Now the moments of pure love
And beauty
Are fleeting.
As day to day
Hits each of us
Between the eyes.
Ours isn't the only baggage we have to deal with.
Of what love can I speak of that is
Free of burdens.
None.
I laugh with you.
We are in a game.
The love-game.
Some days I am drunk with it.
Other days it is a weary wheel
Spinning and spinning.
For I carry your burdens
Along with my own.
True.
Yet the joy
Is real.
Together we take life
And together we pull
our burdens.
I memorize your face again,
Every time
Just in case.
Just in case.
With its loving look.
Because we play the
Love-game.
Our laughter echoes to the heavens and we share.
Our ka-tet
Our secret club.
With those who would look fully and see.
May they rejoice.
To see hope
Is to live.

Dear Weekend.

Hello Weekend,

I've been waiting patiently for you. The days when I wouldn't have to leave my phone on vibrate just in case some school calls me at 6:15 in the morning.

There's something about you, weekend, that relaxes my heart and soul.

I feel I've been rushing, rushing, rushing. Rushing to build up, rushing to tear down, rushing to mend, and rushing to make whole. Perhaps, weekend, you will give me some moments to slow down. Some moments to consider my burdens and lay them down.

Oh weekend, I've been so weary and my emotions a roller coaster. I am containing the high hopes that you will provide a hiding place for me where I can lay and rest my weary head.

I know that our brief relationship will end and Monday at midnight I'll have to kiss you goodbye. But for now, weekend, I shall relax in you for this brief time.

Driving in the Morning

I love driving in the mornings.

this morning I drove to Wav. to experience some junior high science.

I had a great day today.

as I was driving this morning the sun was mostly up but still had a bit to go......

The kids were mostly good

and as I drove I took in the snow covered rolling hills....

They have a test tomorrow over mitosis.

the stark cold beauty captivated me

I wish I could grade their papers.

i found myself thinking....

Maybe this IS where I want to BE.

maybe this is where I want to be.



May you find yourself passionate about life no matter what your location or occupation. May the people around you, the old friends, and the new ones bring you enough laughter to spread over the miles. May you find yourself thinking that this IS where you want to be. And may you rejoice in the simple beauties of the day.

Squeeze

Paul and I are learning to squeeze in time together around our schedules.

It's very interesting how easy it is to say we are busy when in reality,

We tend to have thousands of free moments dedicated to doing nothing that we just really never knew about.

My first fears about not being able to spend time with him have been waylaid by seeing how much a difference stopping by his work briefly can make in keeping us connected and updated. Or even how much talk and time can be magnified when used wisely together. Even him calling while he's at work every night makes a difference.

In other news: Today I taught high school Spanish. I must admit that I did enjoy certain parts of it. However, I'm growing weary of feeling like the stranger in the classroom. I keep reminding myself that the actual teaching thing is not anything like substitute teaching. Subbing is interesting. And I'm learning a lot. Yet chillin with different kids and a certain level of unpredictability to each day tends to become wearying. Yet push on I shall.

Letting Go of Monkeys.

It's funny how another's words can inspire emotions in my own soul.
I never used to read things and cry.
This softness of my heart I believe started when I began to accept,
That God gives me grace.
It's so easy to be so hard on ourselves.
To go back and rethink and let our past haunt us.
It's strange and yet somewhat understandable how things
Cycle.
The one year anniversary of my mom's death,
I had to go through a whole battle of
Accepting that things weren't my fault.
That nothing I did or didn't do could have changed the
Outcome.
My refusal to deal with that shade of guilt and that sense of responsibility
Led to blame and bitterness.
When we feel guilty
I think the first thing we do is find someone else to blame.
In many moments and many whispers,
I had to hear "it's not your fault"
Some days I feel so burdened with
My family's loss and pain.
I'm sure others have felt the same for their families.
I didn't know that was the monkey on my back at that time
Yet, the monkey comes back to visit
Again the guilt shades my view
And I feel responsible for all their pain.
People always used to tell me
That the death of my mother,
Would always affect me.
Freedom that was once had,
Can be sought again.
Yet sometimes I still am afraid
of
Letting Go.