In any case

Sometimes I think about the younger me and then I remember.

In some ways. I feel so old and yet in other ways I feel so young. So what am I?

Wisdom seems to be a dime a dozen and a lot of times I struggle with what I've been taught is Truth and what really is.

I remember when I read red letters. When I clung to those promises and those seemingly endless words. I don't ever read Scripture anymore except when I go to church and even there, the stories roar up in my mind like the back of my hand and I contemplate. I contemplate the fact that I know and understand these stories from the inside out. And yet, sometimes I am skeptical. I suppose you could say the doubting Thomas. But I'm not so sure if that's even the right explanation anymore.

I always wondered how the real world worked in regards to faith. Like, when you became an adult with a family, a marriage, full-time job, and other adult responsibilities, how does faith factor in? I guess I still am not so sure. Haven't quite figured out the equation or if there even is one. Sometimes those old Bible verses still come back to me, but they seem to me a fleeting memory. Though I still would call myself Christian, I don't so much identify with that same word in the ways I used too.

I know some people have the ability to see endless miracles and signs when tragedy strikes. Yet, I am not so much that person. I used to be really bitter, and let's face it, sometimes still am. I know some people are betrayed by people that were supposed to protect or love them. And I feel their anger is justified and rightly placed. Yet, who am I supposed to be angry at when there is no one to blame? Maybe when I'm old and start expecting people to die, I won't feel so confused about things anymore. Maybe I'll stop asking questions. Maybe it will just be one of those things. Sometimes I wish someone could tell me answers. I still research lung cancer. As though maybe someone can give me some hint. Yet I come up empty-handed.

Although I am older now and it is not so strange to not have someone around, I still sometimes wonder how things would have been different. Don't we all?

In any case this post is a result of some relaxing tai chi and a couple of margaritas with work friends. I can never say the void has been filled, but there are different ways to live, and love. Different things to seek than someone gone. Than answers that may never come. But isn't each new day an answer to my questions? Isn't the answer, life goes on?

I think my questions are only questions. I think the answer is satisfactory for tonight. The truth is that I am old, but also young. I have more to learn, but there are some things I have learned. The truth is, the answers will be in my children's eyes. The answer, has to be, love.

Where the love is found, or expressed, taken, or given, that is where I feel home and that is the answer. Perhaps for each of us.

I hope in my heart of hearts, that it is the answer for all of us.

I hope.