Lone

It's sometimes strange how being alone can feel so strange.

Normally I would be preparing for school. Yet we have it off tomorrow. This weird time alone has left me realizing how much purpose my future job will hold for me. I like making preparations. Feeling like there is purpose to my nights when my aunt is working.

I made brownies and relaxed. I think I will play some guitar.

I am reminded of why "it's not good for man to be alone."

The roads of loneliness can be many. Some of my most alone times were spent when living in my own apartment on campus my junior year. It was at that time that I felt unwanted and unacceptable. Certain things fell through because of circumstances and I was left alone with my grief and my thoughts. Sometimes it's a very scary place to be. Those things you were running from suddenly catch up to you. I couldn't run anymore. Those tears that year were many and I often asked the question, "where are You?" "Do You see me here?" Others tried to reach in and I tried very hard to make sure they stayed out. I suppose, sometimes, grief and loss is a very private thing. I wanted to handle it on my own, yet the pain and holes in my heart were so many that it was the best I could do to get through each day. Yet, how do you explain to your friends pain that has no words? And how can they even begin to speak to it? I am thankful that sometimes I was blessed to be able to briefly see through the darkness that hovered and hope. Hope that sometimes sprung from their encouragement as well as their rebuke. I wish I had been older. Wiser at that time. I wish I could have accepted the help they were trying to give. I only knew it hurt. I didn't know how to let anyone soothe it.

I have really come to appreciate the beauty of my aunt's heart. She is one of those people who is just....man....excited about life. She finds joy in things that are so ironic and funny. Even though I know she suffers at the same time. Her zest and passion to seek and embrace joy have come to inspire me. She also is a reacher-inner in my life. Her willingness to talk about my mom and to confront me about how I'm really doing have found me comforted in her tears for others and for me. She is a person who is rooting for me. A very unexpected blessing. I was telling Paul the other day, "sometimes I just think I have to do everything on my own and then I realize I can't and that I'm not supposed to and that that's OK."

I think that has been a really good lesson out here. I'm learning that it's OK to allow others in. It's alright to allow people who care about you to see who you really are, even if it's messy. Most especially, it's OK to ask for help and to say, "i'm just having a really hard time."

These are random thoughts.