questions

It's funny how something you look forward to for so long comes and goes before you even remembered to pause and breath.

The longings in my heart speak against what I feel others would want for me and I' m caught in a battle between making sure others are satisfied and making sure I am following my own heart.

I know what I feel. I know what I want.

I have been duly warned.

I suppose there are many questions that come along with commitment. Lately I have been questioning everything but my relationship. This seems backwards or different than what I "should" be doing. By the way - I did see a counselor once and we talked a lot about the words "should" and "want". So often we feel we "should" do certain things, but those things aren't what we "want" to do. Perhaps it is wise to find a balance between the two. The shoulds and the wants.

Most of all, I have spent the last months questioning the church and at the base of that my faith. I questioned God a lot when my mom died. It was very frustrating sometimes. Lung cancer doesn't tend to have an explanation when someone has never smoked or anything.

My mom took the religious route in her life. She was a youth director for a while and had always been active with the church and her faith. I wonder what would have happened if one of her good friends had come out to her. I wonder if she wouldn't have questioned her faith or religion. I wish I could ask her about that. I sat in church today and listened to a sermon about the "word becoming flesh" similar to one of the Bible studies I taught each week at camp. Who is right?

I feel often a God-given peace. I feel a yearning to be "home" and away from the mess of this world. I feel a Presence. Spirit. Yet I haven't journaled or anything. I still pray sometimes. I am not keeping this God updated on my life or constantly interacting with him. I feel this is a wandering time. I think He understands.

In the meantime. I find myself questioning my faith but not my relationship. It's easy to trust someone who is there. Someone who will deal with your shortcomings by looking you in the eye and telling you how it is. Someone who loves you even as they see a full picture of your shortcomings. I don't question that love. Because it speaks to me. I feel it and it surrounds me. This love doesn't fix everything, it doesn't lessen our sinfulness, but it is there. God is supposed to love us with a perfect love. Unmatched by anything. I don't exactly doubt God's love. I doubt the Church's interpretation of this love. I think the church and God get all mixed up. I have interacted with God. I don't believe that it was just my imagination or something I ate. His peace and presence have spoken into my life to help me deal with my mom's death. Yet. He has to be so much more than all those words on the pages of that book. It's like if I tried to write a book about Paul. I could perhaps tell you how he is or what he is like. I can tell you how he makes me feel. Yet you could not "know" Paul until you interacted with him. With his spirit. God is the same.

If you ONLY read all those words but never ask God to BE there, you will only know words and never spirit. If you only go to church and hear what people say about God, and never seek out His spirit outside of that, you only know what they say. (Like you would only know what I said about Paul if you never bothered to meet him.)

I have so many questions.