Jaded

When I was younger, only five years ago, I saw only goodness in the world.

In people. In situations. In general.

Some people can go through so much and stay so positive. They're great at taking the things that come into their life with grace and nonchalance. They are honest about the world, but still insist on believing good. That it exists.

Then there are others who go through so much and retreat inside themselves. They learn to suspect everyone and become fearful of all possible outcomes.

Today I feel like the second person described. It seems wired into me that no matter what, I am going to have to do things on my own. And so sometimes I retreat inside myself, looking for the strength to get me through another day.

I can point to a lot of the sources of the fear. It's held me back from what I know I want. Because the fear that others spoke erased my belief in goodness and made me instead suspicious.

It's good to be aware of all sides of someone or a situation. But if you only suspect bad things, you will only see bad things.

Seeing this change in myself brings sadness. The fact that I can't look at anything or anyone without suspecting the worst of them. I never used to do that. I used to love different people and passions. And art. I used to trust the people close to me. That they would be there and support me no matter what I chose.

The impact fear has had over my life over the last year is shameful. Yet I can't take it back. Not a single piece. I feel like instead of my life being an amazing puzzle that is working out to a sweet picture, it's turning out to be a somehow dark, fuzzy, confusing blob of confusion.

Jaded.

Life is complicated.

This morning I was eating at the local waffle place and sitting next to this older guy at the counter. During the course of me being there, this man paid for the elderly woman's meal at another table. She was just eating by herself and he paid for her. One of the wait staff told him, you know you just made her day right? and he said "she made mine".

There is goodness. In me. In the people I meet. And in the people I love. We all have our bad sides and our bad days, but that simple gesture reminded me that I don't have to be fearful, jaded, or suspicious. By being my quirky self, my true self, and especially my honest self, I can make anyone's day.