Need a pick-up?

Sadly and Gladly tomorrow our Puma is losing his manhood and his front claws. All he knows is that I haven't let him have any food since five ) : Poor guy.

However, the Hubby is the one who will be taking him to the vet, I'm the one who will be picking him up! I have always thought that picking up in regards to most things is better than dropping off.

Like, we picked up a desk! Which was really exciting. We picked up some paintings. We picked up some donuts. See what I mean?!?!?!?!?! Picking up is GREAT!

Hubby did get a new job and is enjoying it. He has to work 5pm-5am three nights out of the week. But the work and pay are better so we can't complain too much! ( :

Slowly but surely we have been adding things to decorate our house and make it feel more our own. Paintings, curtains, and fall decorations still help with that.

I must admit my excitement to decorate for Christmas because this will be our first Christmas as married people. There's something so special about that. Building the beginnings of a life together sometimes seems completely overwhelming and other times it seems completely awesome. Just depends on the week or day. ( :

That's about all for now! Happy fall y'all!

After all this.

My husband and I have, of late, been talking about life. Not life in general. But life. Being alive.

We were talking about how, millions of people have lived and died before us and millions of people will live and die after us. It's overwhelming to imagine this, to even begin to picture it.

Yet. As we have been talking about this, I can't help be excited. Excited about heaven. About the hope that comes after life. After an imperfect and sometimes painful existence.

My family fully without a doubt believes in heaven. In the afterlife that Christ promised and preached. I've heard Pastor Bill Yonker speak to this several times. He used to say to the people he preached too, "And when I get to heaven, you better be one of those people in line to hug me". Just a few weeks ago I sung "We Will Dance" a song about the celebration in heaven. A song we played at my mother's funeral. A song that can make you feel like you've touched a small piece of heaven.

It means many things to different people. This afterlife or heaven thing. Some people believe in Hell and Heaven. Some people believe in nothing. Some people choose to believe reincarnation. There are many different ideas about it all.

I believe because of my dad's testimony. I believe because of my mom. Because she knew it was OK to let go of life. I believe because of my own spiritual experiences. I believe because of the way my heart feels when I think about it. The way my soul stretches to reach something so deep and so far. Something where I don't have to doubt or be afraid. Where I don't have to wait for all the stars to line up because the stars are already there. I know life is so beautiful and this place and this world. But I hope, oh I so much hope, that everyone who knows me will know. They will know. I am content. With Christ. With my family. With Love. This life is but a step in the journey. A dot in the time of eternity. It is easy to Hope.

It is easy to Hope and look forward. To know. Life has much to offer and so does death. So does what comes next. I hope that at some point, everyone can feel that. That freedom.

Sing a song of Celebration. Lift up a Shout of joy.
We will dance on the streets that are golden.
We will dance.
The Glorious Bride and the Great Son of Man.
We will dance.

I hope you will be there. In my line. To give me a hug. To say. Hello. Welcome. Or if I get there first, expect me to be in that line.

Peace be with you.

Five.

No. This number is not about five-dollar foot longs. Or the number of years since Hurricane Katrina (although technically it is).

It's been five years since my mother died.

That is a strange fact for me. It does seem like enough has happened to make it feel like five years. Yet it's odd to think I've been swinging by without her for that long.

Everyone has that person in their life, married or unmarried, who they can't imagine living without. A mother for many girls happens to be one of them.

I don't have much else to say on the topic. But it seems I should at least comment on the fact. I don't look back so much anymore and think, if only she'd been there. I don't look forward so much anymore and say, I wish she was here. These things don't change the fact that I will always miss her at different times in my life and I honestly almost every September have this overwhelming sinking feeling that I'm not enough. Until I remember, again, that nothing I could have done would have ever changed anything.

I've been living my life as normal. It's nice to recognize and acknowledge the feelings and set them apart and especially for her and this time. hm. Life is still a journey. And perhaps it's this experience of losing someone so important to me, which makes me fight all that much harder for myself. I don't feel as alone as I used to, others have filled the gaps.

"It's the circle of life and it moves us all"

Whether we like it or not. Life, death, birth, hurt, love, laughter, tears, joy, aches, pains, blessings, and everything happen. It's hard to grieve and know that I'm OK. It's strange to know I can grieve and it doesn't have to mean the world is ending. Grief used to be my whole world.

But now it's a piece of my world. A piece I can take out, look at, cry over, and put back in the box. It's part of my life picture, if you will. But my picture is also filled with amazing things. Beautiful things. So if one piece is a little dark and gloomy, I think I'll be alright.

Five. It's the number of years that have passed since I last talked to my Mom. Crazy.

I still remember everything. Down to the smallest details.

Five.

Updated

It's been a while since I've last splashed words on this page like so many sprinkles on a cupcake.

On Tuesday I again start University classes, this time with a very clear goal in mind. I'm working on my Early Childhood endorsement so that according to the State of Iowa I can teach little ones and teach professionally!

It's hard to believe I've been married a little over 3 months now! And if you are wondering, yes I still love it and no, I'm not pregnant. Whew. There it's out. Sometimes the ladies at work joke about me being pregnant soon and then tell me stories of their pregnancies........ not very motivating to get me to start the process. As of now, I am avoiding the stork until my endorsement is completed. Should be within the next year.

Life marches on. Hoping and praying for new job opportunities for Hubby. This opportunity is the kind he had in mind when he went back to school and he's ready for something like this to keep him enjoying complicated things like programming and fixing machines.

Our puma kitty is growing and happy. It's fun to come home to something so cute and furry. If I had more time to write, I could perhaps sprinkle thousands of words on this page. But I am content. After a few hard years, I am content with my life. It's not easy, but it's the good kind of hard work. The kind of hard work that has a good and special feeling to it. A marriage may not be something big, but ours is. It's big. And together we are better. Cheesy. True and truly cheesy.

Almost Speechless

It's hard to know where to begin to write this blog. Mostly because it's difficult to put everything into words. I have felt this way before, but then it was due to pain instead of happiness.

Everyone loves a good love story....including myself.

The richness of love and relationship touches something deep in each of us. Strikes a chord that somehow each of us have.

I suppose I'd like to just begin to put into words our love story. Yet, it doesn't have words.

It's a feeling and it's an action. It's laughter and sorrow. It's weariness and energy. It's taking care of someone else and being taken care of.

Now I watch romantic movies or read books with a romance in them and can only think of us together.

I was looking at pictures from our wedding the other day and in pictures where I was by myself, all I could see were some of my flaws. But then, there was a picture with both of us, and all I could feel was love. My flaws were no longer important because the picture was us together.

That's how it should be. Us together.

If you were to ask me if our relationship is perfect, I'd say, of course not, but, just like the picture, when we work through it together, those flaws and imperfections fade. Leaving the influence not on the imperfections, but on our togetherness and love.

I have some single friends and feel so blessed to have what I do. I do not write this to discourage or brag, but mostly to say God is good. To say, life is hard, sometimes it sucks, but perseverance, courage, and bravery can pull one out on the other side and perhaps land into the joys of love. It's not easy to get through the hard stuff in life and come out on the other side, but it's possible. And I feel so victorious having pulled through so much. I'd take one day of us together, even if that's all I got. And I think my understanding of love grows deeper every day.

Self-Expression

I feel most people are the most emotionally open they ever will be around the age of two. Just think about it.

You see a child in a grocery store throwing a fit and it's pretty annoying. If you have kids maybe you're just glad it's not YOUR kid, and if you don't, your just glad you DON'T have kids. Yet, whatever anyone thinks about it, that kid is EXPRESSING themselves in a loud way! Everyone knows how they feel because it's written on their face, in their tears, and in their yells.

If a child around the age of two is happy to see you, their whole entire face lights up in a way that makes you feel like you're their best friend ever. Their whole body expresses their excitement as they run up to you, arms thrown open for a hug.

A lot of the kids I work with are like this, and sometimes the amount of emotion-expressing going on in a day wears me out. They cry enough for me to feel I have nothing to complain about!

Yet another part of me sees the value. They are so young their emotions come out unedited and completely honest. They haven't learned to mask their fears, hurts, or love for fear of others. They are so dependent that their deepest needs must be made known by this intense emotion-expression. The value is the honesty, the rawness, the "I need you" factor. They're not afraid to squat down and throw a royal fit if their shoe falls off!

As they get older, they'll be able to put their own shoe back on, buy their own groceries, hug their own children, and learn to more successfully express their emotions as older children and adults. This is my hope when dealing with a two-year old's intense fits. That they would not see my disapproval of their loud fits as a discouragement for self-expression, but that they would see instead a way to more successfully and maturely deal with their emotions. I do not want them to feel their tears, hurts, joys, and laughter aren't appropriate, but only that there a million ways to express emotions, and those don't all include rolling around on the floor and screaming.

In writing this, I am merely considering how sometimes we as adults cover over or forget to emotionally-express ourselves. To let our vulnerable, I need you selves be seen by someone else. I need people. I would hate to think I must conquer this life alone. I'm glad I have people that when I see them, my whole face can light up. I'm glad I have people, that are willing to pick me up off the floor once in a while on a bad day. When I think of how those kids view and depend on me, I am humbled to have earned not only their trust, but the trust of their families. It's just a job, but when I see their faces, it seems to turn into love and smiles, and hugs. And lots of high-fives!

Ode to Camp

We were all so young back then,
I picture us in our shorts, our jeans, our ponytails and
Camp dreams.
Some of us so innocent
Yet some of us had already lived a lifetime
At birth.
Although I'm not that much older,
I look back on those times,
Feeling like an adult looking on childhood.
For that time was before I knew,
Before I sought,
And before I questioned.
It's not that I feel Old.
It's just that,
I'm older.
Aren't we all?
Joy, fear, sorrow, passion, and friendship,
All mixed up into fast, hot summers.
The tears mingled with the shouted songs,
The crazy dances and
even crazier skits.
It was a time of innocence for myself,
Mixed in a time of struggle.
In the meantime, up goes the bell tower.
And I remember,
I was there.
We all were.
And even if we will all soon be forgotten,
Our footsteps crossed,
Our lives touched,
And each smile and tear
I witnessed and was given,
Fills my heart.
Although sometimes now
I wonder about God.
I treasure and believe
God mixed our lives together.
Surely we all take different paths,
Some never leaving our God and our faith.
Some wondering miles and miles away.
And always some stuck somewhere in between.
Whatever the path,
I am so thankful.
For our jeans, our shorts, our ponytails,
And Camp Dreams.
I have met a patchwork of people,
Whose paths will always lead
The world to a better place,
Whether or not they've left
the path of faith,
That led us,
To get all mixed up.
It wasn't all a Dream.
Thank you,
For being who you are,
Former and current camp leaders
Counselors
Directors
JCs
Maintenance People
Kitchen Staff
Day Camp Staff
And
Everyone else.
May your lights and passion keep shining,
Whichever path you have chosen.