Worried.
Worried. Worried.
I feel the future closing in one me as it draws closer and closer.
I hear all these stories....so and so didn't get a teaching job until school started....
They always come out with more jobs in June........
Keep looking, you'll find something........
I know others are trying to encourage me, yet it still is frustrating. I've sent out application after application after application. I feel like a little kid waiting for someone to pick me for their team and yet I'm still sitting on the sidelines. I'm the one who is not good enough, whose credentials aren't up to snuff.
I want to move on and grow up and work. In ONE place. with ONE group of kids. I am starting to get frazzled with every new group of kids that I have and every new group of teachers I meet. I'm honestly worn out of this whole subbing thing.
Where was I when the rules changed? I have everything I need to teach. Yet I still don't feel like it's enough. My fellow Y-Care staff tell me I'm going to be a good teacher, but no one else sees this and I'm beginning to wonder if I should have gone into some other sort of profession.
My favorite part of my day is going to Y-Care. I KNOW those kids and they know me. We have fun together and if one of them is having a problem, they come to me. If they're moody, I bother them until they can't resist joining in a game of UNO. I know how to keep kids engaged and interested. I know how to teach them. I know these things. I want to see a group of kids all through the school year. Watch them learn, grow, and become continually confident in their academic abilities.
To have the tools and the knowledge and yet still feel limited is just tough. This is what I have chosen to do with my life. Teaching is my passion. Perhaps I will find it. A job will come to me and it will all work out.
Yet, when times toughen up, I am always the pessimist. Dire predictions fill my head until I'm sure the world is going to end and it will be all my fault. I never give up on those around me, but even as an adult, sometimes I have to fight the temptation to give up on myself.
This is one of those times.
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2 comments:
i'm just across town.
in tears nearly three nights a week.
wondering where all of this is going.
when something will happen.
why it has taken 47 applications and i still don't have a job.
waiting for someone to give me a chance.
some tell me 'it won't last forever'
but in the life of a child, forever starts now. and now is when i want to start making a difference.
pulling for you jill.
so much that if you get the job we both applied for, i wouldn't even be mad about it.
:) ooo jillo....
miss ya buddy.
Remember to focus on the things that are within your grasp. Things YOU can control. Once you send that application, the ball is in their court. It's out of your hands. Worrying won't change the outcome.
See you soon,
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