Seasons of Grief.

Every time I have to move on from something, I always feel sad. Sometimes it's hard for me to figure out why.

Today I feel sad.

I am student teaching. It's been tough. And I feel like it's making me grow up job-wise a lot.

I am also scared and nervous to graduate. Not the usual reasons, I'm not scared of looking for a job, I'm not worried about the "real world".

This has been one of the toughest college transitions. In the back of my mind, part of me knows that graduating college is taking another step away from the girl my mom knew me as. It's one more step I have to take without her.

I can't explain how that feels.

It only feels like a weight. Like a missing spot. It feels empty. And sometimes lonely. It sometimes feels strange. Sometimes I feel guilty for moving on because I don't want anyone to think that I'm forgetting her. I just....don't want to "grow up" without her to stand by the sidelines and cheer me on.

I know, believe me, I know that a lot of these thoughts are....thoughts that I need to express and then lay aside. They are not things to hold onto or think over. Just things to feel, experience, and move on from.

It seems that this is another season of grief come at a strange time in my life. Perhaps in living with my aunt who still has her parents, I am seeing even more sharply how a parent-child relationship can grow and mature into something profoundly beautiful. Perhaps part of me is just now realizing this and grieving the fact that I won't have that with my mom. It's strange how your heart can always find something more to grieve. It's never a finished process.

Psalm 23 is one of my favorite passages to read when I feel this grief coming on. I often want comfort during these seasons that no other person can really give me and so I must seek my comfort in His word. in His arms. John 10 is another favorite. I like being called a sheep. It means I don't have to have everything figured out and that I have a Shepard who isn't going to leave me alone in my sorrow nor judge me for that sorrow.

It's funny because in this season of grief, I have also had moments of complete joy. I love that I can feel sorrow, and yet also rejoice. In grieving, I find the simplicity of joy. I once read something about how grief deepens the soul. It makes us more open to sorrow, but also much more open to joy than we were before.

I didn't think I would go through so much emotionally here as I have been going through lately. Yet I know that this is again a deepening of my character and I can't help but feel I will be forever changed through my time here. Despite the toughness of everything, I am encouraged when I think that this season will one day pass and I will look back and praise God for how He grew and changed me through it.