Ghosts

I thought I had lain you aside.
You were boxed in, put away, and out of my mind.
I set sail on a new course and new life.
Now I'm stuck in the past
And I can't get past.
The memories I most want to forget
Are those I have been delving into.
I hate them.
I hate how I remember you last.
I hate how you died.
You know I wasn't ready for you to go?
Now I am regretting time spent at school instead of
Your deathbed.
I again am feeling so angry that you left.
I feel like I need you now.
And you're just not here.
The hurt inside is causing me desperate for someone to blame.
There's no one.
It just hurts.
I know I'm being pruned.
That this go-round of sorrow and bitterness is a road I have to walk.
I don't like it.
It's hard to grow up.
It's even harder when you aren't here.
I know it wasn't your fault.
But I still hate that you're gone.
I'm not trying to make up excuses for my misdeeds and
Wrong actions.
Only writing in words the pain in my heart.
My Comforter will hold me tight.
He sees.
He knows.
I am a sheep in my Shepard's arms.
Hoping for warmth in the cold.
He is a candle in the darkness.
I live on because He has given me life.
I will try and move on.
From here.
I will acknowledge that I miss you.
But I will not stay here.
The past is the past.
I want to leave it behind.
I cannot change it.
So I must lay it aside.
I will do the best I can.
To honor your memory.
But I refuse to let this bitterness.
Hold onto me.
Set me free.
Let me live as I am meant to be.
And I will let you rest in peace.
Remembering you for how you would want me to.