Silence

I wish to be understood and to
speak.

My voice is very hoarse and I can barely talk. I went to school today anyways, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. But it was challenging.

It can be so annoying having something to say and having the words in my mouth and heart and yet there they stay because my throat is in disagreement.

It's also humbling. You realize that without being able to effectively speak, you must depend on others to be patient with you, to help you say what you need to say, and to be willing to put up with really yucky sounds. Yikes.

All in all though. that's how it goes. your body gives out on you and sometimes all the heart in the world will still leave you whispering when you want to yell. hm. ironic.

Paul even called me last night when he was on break. I tried so hard to talk to him, but he couldn't understand. Sad day. Yet, it was enough that he called. And told me he loves me. Even though he couldn't understand me! Sometimes it feels like we are required to understand someone to love them. I am beginning to learn this is false. There are certain things and values and beliefs other people hold and I will not be able to understand. Sometimes that's frustrating, but in a way, it's completely OK. Last time I checked love is not based on completely understanding someone else, but is more about loving someone else even when you don't quite understand them. Perhaps even especially when you don't understand them.

I am glad for that. I think I'd be overwhelmed if I was supposed to understand everything.

Last thoughts:

Today I realized how in-between I am. Those older than me that I have met here still see me as young with many opportunities before me. The kids I teach see me as an older adult. One they must respect and listen too, but, to them, I'm old. I suppose sometimes I feel frustrated because, I just want people to see me as me.

Like- I like to play frisbee. I like to go bike riding. I love roller blading. I love being outside. I really enjoy coffee shops that serve ice cream and hot chocolate. I love coffee shops that are a refuge from the storm. Confluence, amazingly, reminds me of the Lampost in that way. It is a place I can go where I know I will see someone I know. I like that. I really enjoy fast food. I find much joy in hearing stories of how God works in people's lives. I love watching the love that happens between others (NOT just couples). I enjoy walks. I like when people don't take themselves too seriously. I like seeing joy in other people's eyes and seeing the reflection of Christ. I like singing at church. I love to play. Games, Card games, word games, outside games with anyone I know. I hate small talk because I feel like it's just people pretending to care (it's not always, but I feel like that's what I do when I have to make small talk). I love long deep conversations. I have learned life is indeed short and half the plans we have will fall through. No one knows how long they have. No one. I have walked the valley of the shadow of death and seen its cold hands reach through the depths of me and claim my mortality, for in learning that one you love is mortal, you realize that you yourself are also destined to die. life is short.

Some people learn to keep a house early on because of circumstances. Some people learn to be angry and bitter. Others learn to reach out. Some learn to love. Others learn all of these things and some learn none. Sometimes, I just want to make sure that others know that I am not ignorant of long dark lonely nights and that I am not completely naive when it comes to sorrow.

Yet for the joy set before me, I push on and wait for the light of day. This is what I do. And how I react. I am young and I am old. At a strange place. Yet yearning for acceptance. I am thankful that God sees us and accepts us. That His grace overcomes all this confusion about if I should feel young or old. If I should be this or that. Let me be content to remain His child. One in need of His grace, love, and mercy on a day to day basis. I hope to find myself here. I hope I can demonstrate who He is by being who He made me to be. I hope others reach beyond the small talk and ask me about my story. Even if they don't, I hope they come away blessed.

End.