Last + Reflections

Today is my last full day here in NC.

Although I know i am leaving a place that has blessed me in ways I never suspected, I also feel much peace about going home.

I know I go back a different person. This does not scare me. It makes me proud. I feel a little bit more grown-up and ready to tackle a bigger piece of life. I want to go back to the church where I came from and see if I still fit there.

It's funny how many things can change in four years. I was reminiscing with a friend I met in college about how we've known each other through some tough times. I am glad I have someone like that in my life because when we talk about different topics there is a mutual understanding of where that other person has been. They will always be there for me. In the same way, I know I will always be there for them. Our kids will probably be friends! (ha. well, once can always hope).

Four years ago I was a scared college freshmen who didn't talk to anyone. I always ate alone in the dining center because I wasn't all that outgoing. I had a really fun neighbor who came into my room and asked me for homework advice. We still remain good friends. I also played and marched in the marching band.

The beginning of my sophomore year began in turmoil and tragedy with my mom's death. I lost myself to a world of grief and tried very hard to keep busy with all my classes. I didn't want to think about anything. I also began learning guitar that year and had the very painful experience of learning guitar right-handed only to have to switch to playing left-handed. Sigh. I think I cried the night my guitar teacher told me I would have to start over.

My junior year started out OK but got really emotional as I moved into my own apartment quite against my own wishes or desires. It was a very lonely yet beautiful semester. I wrestled with feeling unloved, unwanted, and unbeautiful. In this darkness I also found rescue. I learned to deal with some of the grief that had built up since my mom's death. I couldn't run from it anymore.

My senior year I was very happy. I came back to school after experiencing a truly amazing summer. I was feeling confident and ready for the world. Then that fall Paul came into my life. A blessing that I did not ask for, did not expect, and in some ways was overwhelmed by. It was a sweet beautiful time of learning what it was like to love and be loved in a more intimate way.

Now here I sit. Technically graduated I suppose. I feel just in the last four years I have lived a lifetime.

This semester has only added to the beauty and fullness of my life.

I find my life stream a river mixed with joy and sorrow, with pain and temptation, with love, and with life. I am all these things at once. As I continue to live, I can only hope that life has more in store for me. I look forward to this next stage even as I fear it.